How I got my kids to stop constantly fighting

Yesterday our kids were being jerks. Little a-holes. Douchenuggets. And yes Miss Trolly McTrollypants, I know you think I suck for calling them those things, but it’s true. They were. All day long they fought and fought and fought. And the few seconds they weren’t fighting, they were constantly asking us for shit. Can I have a snow cone? Can I have a candy bar? Can I play on my iPad? Can I have a shark tooth necklace?

And my hubby and I were both like ennnnh, F that. We love you but you’re being jerkwads, and you don’t get jack shit when you’re being jerkwads. Seriously, I must have said the word “no” 9000 times. And it sucked. Partly because it sucks being angry and having to say no over and over and over again, but mostly because we’re on vacation and they should be soooooo grateful that they even get to come to a place like this, but instead they’re being ungrateful butt turds.

And by the time bedtime rolled around, my hubby and I were DONE. D-O-N-E. But right before bed, I did something. I said this to Zoey.

ME: I hope that when we wake up tomorrow, the nice Zoey is back. It makes me sad to see you fighting with your brother so much and I really miss the old Zoey and I’m going to pray that she comes back tomorrow.

And suddenly Zoey’s eyes filled up with tears. She felt awful. I could see her lip quivering, and I knew I’d struck a nerve.

ME: Is something wrong? Do you want to talk about it?

ZOEY: Yes, but not with anyone else around.

So I kicked Holden and my hubby out and I asked her what was wrong.

ME: Is something wrong?

ZOEY: Yes! Holden used to be different. Like I used to be able to say, “Holden, be a puppy,” and he would be a puppy, but now when I say, “Holden, be a puppy,” he says, “No, I want to be a lion.”

Ahhhhh, I see. I thought she was just being a poopyhead but there really was something wrong. And I could see how sad she was about it. Holden used to be this little guy who followed her everywhere and did whatever she said. But not anymore. Now he fights back, now he has an opinion, now he wants to go first, etc etc etc. And this is big shit for an eight-year-old sister.

So I talked to her about it, and she said she misses being his friend and she said she’d try harder the next day. And then I talked to him about it too. And he said he also wanted it to be better. And then we all went to sleep.

And when we woke up this morning, this happened:

And then this:

And then this:

Tadaaaaa, everything is perfect now. Bwhahahaha, just kidding. I’m not stupid. I totally know it’s not gonna stay like this forever and they’re gonna fight again and be douchenuggets and act like little a-holes sometimes, but I feel like for now we kinda hit the reset button. We were running in circles before our big talk– they’d fight, we’d yell no, they be a-holes, we yell knock it off, fight, yell, fight, yell, fight, yell. Until I finally stopped yelling “no” and instead calmly asked “what’s wrong?”

I hope I remember this next time. You know, before I go ballistic on them 9000 times in a day. But for now, I’m just happy they’re getting along again. For the moment.

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