So when Zoey came out of me, she was gorrrrrgeous. I mean yeah, she was covered in blood and a disgusting cheese-like substance and her face was all swollen like all babies are when they are born, but once she was cleaned off I thought she was the most gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful sight I had ever laid my eyes on. See?
I know what you’re thinking. Most beautiful baby ever!! Wait, what? That’s not what you’re thinking? Ohhhh, you want to know why is her foot is in this picture of her face? May I introduce to you, drum roll please, badadadadadadadada, Cirque du Soleil’s youngest acrobat everrrrr!!!!
But all joking aside, yup, Zoey was inside me in the jackknife position for soooo long that when she was born, her ankles were up by her ears. Please don’t try to picture what that looks like. My dad took one look at her and exclaimed, “Well, she’ll be popular with the boys.” That’s when my hubby took out his gun and shot him. Not really, but close.
Anyways, I never looked at Zoey and thought that something looked wrong with her. I thought she was adorable. I mean yeah she looked like a fortune cookie when she was swaddled and she had to breastfed sitting up with her legs wrapped around me like a frog, but I just thought it was cute.
And then came the harness. I cringe just thinking about this annoying contraption she had to wear for six weeks 23 hours a day. And it was expensive, and it was white, and we had to keep it on when we changed her diapers so if we got any poop on it, we had to keep using it poop stains and all. Awesome.
And then one day I was walking around the mall with Zoey and a woman looked in the stroller and said…
And then she stopped mid awww when she noticed the harness.
WOMAN: What’s wrong with her?
I mean no she didn’t say it in a mean way, but OMG, how I wanted to smack her. Nothing is wrong with her. She is the most perfect thing in the whole wide world.
But here’s the thing. Babies don’t always look perfect. They look funny. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Because there are like a million things that can make your baby a little funny-looking.
Nope, it’s not just for aliens anymore. Because you can’t spend twelve hours cruising through the vajayjay without getting your head all bent out of shape.
I mean technically it’s called a clogged duct, but when Zoey had it, we called it goopy eye because basically it looks like someone blew their nose in her eye, and no matter how much you clean it, it comes back over and over again.
Well, isn’t that lucky, my baby’s ear is folded over like a wish chip. Yup, sometimes that’s what happens when your baby is all smushed up inside your uterus for nine months.
Nope, that baby you see riding around in his stroller with the helmet on isn’t on his way to football practice. It’s just a small price to pay to make sure his head rounds out in all the right places.
Yes, I know it looks like a strawberry is growing from the top of that baby’s head, but alas, that is not fruit. It’s just a cluster of blood vessels that will eventually get better.
Or as I like to call it cradle crap. And it looks like someone smeared hummus on top of their baby’s head and let it dry there. Then again, sometimes it really is hummus.
Pimples! They’re not just for surly teenagers anymore. All that baby needs is a set of braces and a scowl and she’ll fit right into junior high.
Awww shit, someone get that baby a full body wax stat. Because the last time I saw someone that hairy, it was a dude at the beach and I thought he was wearing a sweater.
And probably like a million other things that I don’t know about that can ruin a baby’s modeling career.
Now I’m not trying to make light of these things. Take it from a mom whose baby had frog legs and goopy eye, it SUCKED. All I’m saying is that while you’re preggers and staring at those perfect cherubic babies on the Pampers and Johnson & Johnson packaging, just remember that’s not always how they look when they come out. And that’s okay. Because all babies are beautiful. ALL BABIES. And if someone comes up to you at the mall and says…
ASSHAT: She’ll be so beautiful once that strawberry goes away.
ASSHAT: Can you just take the helmet off for pictures?
ASSHAT: Maybe you can try a little proactiv on her face.
… just know this. Your baby is absolutely beautiful and there is nothing wrong with her. NO-THING. The only person who has something wrong with them is that person who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. Period.
If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it!! And don’t forget to order my new book I Want My Epidural Back. It’s out in one week, and it is HILARIOUS!!! It’s a lot like my first book I Heart My Little A-Holes, so if you liked that one, you’re gonna love this new one!!