How to wax a hairy baby

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I feel bad saying this but my daughter is very hairy and has a unibrow already. She’s only two, but I’m wondering when you think it’s okay for me to “take care” of it. I know you can relate because you always say how hairy you are.



Dear Alyssa,

Okay, here’s what you need to do. One night when your kiddo is like dead asleep (naturally or on Benadryl) just pop one of those sticky wax sheets

in the middle of her unibrow and rip it off. That’s exactly what you need to do… IF you want her to grow up hating her body and have low self-esteem and do stupid things like give BJ’s to the whole football team when she’s in high school. Because if you point out her “flaws,” that’s what she’s gonna see. Oh wait, what’s that, you don’t want her to feel bad about herself? Okay, then here’s my two cents, if my opinion’s worth that much.

Your job as her mom is to make her think she’s like ridiculously beautiful inside and out. Not to the point that she’s taking duckface selfies and annoying egotistical shit like that, but to the point that she grows up feeling good about herself and not focusing on her “flaws.” FYI, I put “flaws” in quotation marks because I don’t really think excess body hair is a flaw.

And as she gets older, if she ever comes to you upset and says, “Hey mom, how come I only have one eyebrow and most people have two?” that’s your chance to show her what she can do about it. Sticky wax sheet thingies, plucking, threading, the nail salon ladies, any and all of these are acceptable, but not until SHE decides on her own that she doesn’t want to look like this:

Screen Shot 2014-05-18 at 3.32.15 PM





And if she NEVER asks you how to take care of it, then congratulations on doing an awesome job. You’ve created an amazingly self-confident kiddo who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her unibrow because she’s beautiful on the inside, where it counts the most.

Hope that helps Alyssa!!


Baby Sideburns

There are 13 comments for this article
  1. Mary Ellen at 12:29 pm

    YES!!!! i couldn’t agree more. i share this philosophy and practice is daily with my 5 year old. LOVE IT!!

  2. Dy at 2:06 pm

    Oh man, I need the slow-clap gif, STAT!

  3. Julie at 8:58 pm

    Lol, that’s fantastic. My daughter is 12 and she brought it up to me about her upper lip. So a month ago we got our 1st teen facial and we had her lip waxed. No problem, no one even notices. So last Saturday we had another teen facial and did it again. I never really brought it up and one of her friends teased her about it so we took care of it. Easy peezy! I hope she gets her “hairy” problems from the Native American side because if the poor thing gets my German hair, ouch!!

  4. Laura at 11:21 pm

    OMG I was SO thinking that you should write a gag advice column! This makes me happy! I’ve had a nasty cough for the last 5 days and have gone through more pairs of underwear than I care to count (give me a break I’ve had 4 kids) and I thought, “Geez, if only I could write “Dear Baby Sideburns, how do I stop…” then I thought, “nah,” she’d just tell me to go buy some Depends. Not worth the postage stamp! 🙂 Will be following this “column” happily! 🙂

  5. Sheila Miller at 4:07 pm

    My 8 year old grand daughter keeps asking me if she can shave her “mustache” and hairy legs…wait till she sees her back! That kid looks like she is part were wolf and I know some dumb a*s brat will give her hell later on about it and I am holding off as long as I can about the shaving thing cause I know it just makes the s**t grow back thicker.

  6. Sheila at 12:15 pm

    I already wax my 5 year olds unibrow… 😉

  7. Prandesha at 3:11 am

    OMG!!! I just love this! I’m Indian and so my poor daughter inherited my hairy genes… but she’s just the most lovliest thing I’ve ever seen! Love your reply!

  8. New new at 6:24 pm

    Amen! Love yourself for who YOU are! You are Perfect flaws and all!

  9. Not ur average mom at 3:04 pm

    Ok so I have to reply to this from experience… I have a wax machine at my house so I do my eye brows and mustash every week, 10 days, 2 weeks, a month…lol. But anyways my daughter is 7 now and has been getting her “unibrow” done since she was like four. NOT because I made her but because my step daughter begged me to do hers when she was like 7 because hers actually looked like the count on sesame street, and I also did their dads. So my 2/3 year old would ask me to do hers too (we are a family of hairy people) so I would just pretend to do them but not actually put any wax on, that was until she was about four and realized. She insisted that I actually use wax and I kept telling her it was going to hurt when really the middle doesn’t really hurt and she still wanted me to do it so I did, and ever since when I do mine and she is around, she asks me to do hers.

  10. NatesMom at 10:23 pm

    Best advice ever! Love you! Also I hope the poster followed it!