Dear Baby Sideburns,
I feel bad saying this but my daughter is very hairy and has a unibrow already. She’s only two, but I’m wondering when you think it’s okay for me to “take care” of it. I know you can relate because you always say how hairy you are.
Okay, here’s what you need to do. One night when your kiddo is like dead asleep (naturally or on Benadryl) just pop one of those sticky wax sheets
in the middle of her unibrow and rip it off. That’s exactly what you need to do… IF you want her to grow up hating her body and have low self-esteem and do stupid things like give BJ’s to the whole football team when she’s in high school. Because if you point out her “flaws,” that’s what she’s gonna see. Oh wait, what’s that, you don’t want her to feel bad about herself? Okay, then here’s my two cents, if my opinion’s worth that much.
Your job as her mom is to make her think she’s like ridiculously beautiful inside and out. Not to the point that she’s taking duckface selfies and annoying egotistical shit like that, but to the point that she grows up feeling good about herself and not focusing on her “flaws.” FYI, I put “flaws” in quotation marks because I don’t really think excess body hair is a flaw.
And as she gets older, if she ever comes to you upset and says, “Hey mom, how come I only have one eyebrow and most people have two?” that’s your chance to show her what she can do about it. Sticky wax sheet thingies, plucking, threading, the nail salon ladies, any and all of these are acceptable, but not until SHE decides on her own that she doesn’t want to look like this:
And if she NEVER asks you how to take care of it, then congratulations on doing an awesome job. You’ve created an amazingly self-confident kiddo who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her unibrow because she’s beautiful on the inside, where it counts the most.
Hope that helps Alyssa!!