Woman longs to eat her muffin top away

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I need some tips!!! For the first time post baby, I’ve been asked when my baby is due. For the record, I’m 5’5 160lb and slightly overweight, nothing out of the norm. And I’ve lost 25lb in the past year so to say I’m pissed is an understatement. I’d love to hear some great comebacks when a woman is mistaken for pregnant.


Dear Chelsey,

First of all, congrats on losing 25 pounds!! That’s awesome. Second of all, oh no they di’n’t! What a dumbass. Next time that happens to you,

here are some ways to respond to any brainless schmuckhead who asks you when you’re due again:

1. Answer seventeen months ago (or however old your baby is), and then watch them figure it out in their head and feel like a total ass.

2. Ask them if they want to feel your baby kicking, and when they step close to put their hand on your belly, kick the shit out of their shins.

3. Respond “no hablo assholio”

Hope that helps!


Baby Sideburns

There are 12 comments for this article
  1. Mary Ellen at 2:38 pm

    I have the same exact build as you Chelsey and just had my second baby 9 months ago and have had more than a handful of people either stare at left over pregnant belly or ask me when i’m due or say “congratulations…”…and each and every single time i want to spit fire and nails in their stupid faces!!! thanks for writing the genius of the internet cuz i can’t wait til someone asks me now! HAHAHA

  2. girl paddler at 6:44 pm

    I’m still totally laughing my a** off @ “no hablo assholio”. Perfecto!!!!

  3. Amanda Mrozek at 9:00 pm

    Oh my God, I almost pissed my self laughing at your come backs

  4. Shana at 9:31 pm

    While reading this I thought #1 is really good” and then #2 was great, but #3 is f’ing awesome!!!!!!!! Love love love reading anything you write, you rock!!!

  5. Kristen at 9:36 pm

    haha, omg that is great!! You are a freaking genius..you should write a book..oh wait..you did!! 😉

  6. Michelle at 10:08 pm

    I e been known to look at someone in the eye and say “not pregnant, just fat. Thanks for pointing it out to me” and then watching the horrified expressions come over their faces. I’ve lost 40 lbs since I had my son a year ago and get that question at least once a month

  7. Larissa at 11:09 am

    I had my baby 3 1/2 years ago, and I still get that frequently. I gained 50 lbs with her, and the extra skin goes nowhere. I have actually lost all of my baby weight, but the extra skin has refused to go. Whenever they ask when I’m due, I say, “I’m not. Had her over 3 years ago.” Next time, I am going to add on, “but thanks for motivating me to get back to the gym!”

  8. Helen at 2:38 pm

    Just reply. “due for what” ?

  9. JM at 2:42 am

    When my son was under a month old I was asked a few times when I was due, when I was holding him… I just kinda looked at them, at him, at them again. I said, “yeah, I’m 6 months pregnant again after having him a few weeks ago.”
    Worst time was when my brothers friend who just had her baby a week before mine got excited that I was pregnant again. She was even bigger than I was. Some people aren’t smart.

  10. Liz at 3:32 am

    I’m 5′ 6, 130 lbs, and though I’m mostly trim, I’ve got a poochy belly that ain’t going nowhere after carrying 7 lb twins to term. I can live with that, but I live in Asia, where everyone is tiny, and after 20 months, I still get asked about twice a month if I’m pregnant. An old woman seriously asked me if I was pregnant as I was leaving the hospital with my newborn twins! You’re right @JM some people aren’t smart.

  11. Lisa at 7:13 am

    Hi Karen I really liked your answers you are so funny