Dear Baby Sideburns,
My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say?
Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed your kids organic shit and
you give them growth hormones and other crap. They grow up too fast. Nahhhh, I’m just F’ing with ya. I lovvvvve all things unnatural.
Here’s the thing. Kids say all kinds of shit and they have nooooo idea WTF they’re saying. Like this morning Zoey whispered to Holden (I heard it with my superbionic mom hearing) “I am going to kill you.” It sounded scary as shit, but really she has no idea what she’s saying. I hope.
The same way your five-year-old has no F’ing idea what it means when she says she has a boyfriend. I mean it’s not like you found him slipping her the hot beef injection behind her Barbie Dreamhouse, right? If you did, just write me back and I’ll answer this a little differently (hint hint Lorena Bobbitt).
Anyways, if it were me, I’d probably do nothing and ignore it. Of course maybe that’s because I’m a lazy sloth. But if you really feel like you have to do something, here’s what you do. Pop in the dvd of Frozen but don’t let it play all the way through. Yup, stop that sucker right when assholey Hans dumps Anna. Just pretend like that’s where the movie ends, and that’ll teach your kiddo that men suck and dating always ends in heartbreak. Hasta la vista boyfriendio!
Good luck to you and your little hussy!