Is 5 too young to have a boyfriend?

Dear Baby Sideburns,

My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say?




Dear MSH,

Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed your kids organic shit and
you give them growth hormones and other crap. They grow up too fast. Nahhhh, I’m just F’ing with ya. I lovvvvve all things unnatural.

Here’s the thing. Kids say all kinds of shit and they have nooooo idea WTF they’re saying. Like this morning Zoey whispered to Holden (I heard it with my superbionic mom hearing) “I am going to kill you.” It sounded scary as shit, but really she has no idea what she’s saying. I hope.

The same way your five-year-old has no F’ing idea what it means when she says she has a boyfriend. I mean it’s not like you found him slipping her the hot beef injection behind her Barbie Dreamhouse, right? If you did, just write me back and I’ll answer this a little differently (hint hint Lorena Bobbitt).

Anyways, if it were me, I’d probably do nothing and ignore it. Of course maybe that’s because I’m a lazy sloth. But if you really feel like you have to do something, here’s what you do. Pop in the dvd of Frozen but don’t let it play all the way through. Yup, stop that sucker right when assholey Hans dumps Anna. Just pretend like that’s where the movie ends, and that’ll teach your kiddo that men suck and dating always ends in heartbreak. Hasta la vista boyfriendio!

Good luck to you and your little hussy!


Baby Sideburns

There are 8 comments for this article
  1. Rachel at 9:39 pm

    Good luck to you and your hussy bwahahahaha love it!!!

  2. Deb T at 7:38 am

    She must be one of my son’s 5 girlfriends! I know I didn’t raise him to be a player so it must be that the little girls these days are all hussies. Of course, that’s Target’s fault for only selling hoochie momma clothes for little girls! ho!!

  3. Brian P at 12:32 pm

    HAHA! I loved this reply. My co-workers think I’m crazy! I have an almost 3 year old now who has been “going steady” with his girlfriend for well over a year now. They are the cutest thing together. S**t, she has him trained. She says jump, he says “how high”. Its an f’in riot! My wife and I take walks with M’s gf mom and daughter and they walk holding hands. Hell she has slipped him the tongue (we have picture proof b/c why not snap a quick pic before saying GET YOUR TONGUES BACK IN YOUR OWN MOUTHS!!) Anyway, at this age, its cute. My first kiss was when I was in kindergarten, about 5 years old. Kids will be kids, just watch that s**t as they get older!!

  4. Amelia at 11:11 pm

    my son is 2 and he’s been in love for a year. it’s cute. at this age, it’s harmless. and it happened to me too when I was his age! I can’t remember a time I Didn’t have some boy following after me, come to think of it… We really like her family and they are happy. What’s the harm?

  5. alessandra at 8:25 pm

    when my son was in kindgergarten and that was about 10 years ago he road on the bus to get to school. So one day I got a call from the school saying my son was kissing a girl on the lips. don’t forget kinders are 5 yrs old. I asked them if they were serious and the school said yes. so they asked us to come in and talk with the principal. so i got to the school, got sent to the principals office (mind u i never got sent there when i was in school. thanks to my son i got sent to the principals office) so i waited for a bit and in came the principal and my son. The principal told me what the bus driver told her that happened. so i asked him what his side of the story was and he said “yes mom i kissed a girl on the lips” i asked “why did u do that?” and he said “we got married on the way home yesterday and we missed each other so we kissed. don’t husband and wife do things like kissing?” neither the principal or i knew what really to say. so we asked him to kiss her hand if he had to kiss her and my so went back to class and i went home. wondering wtf gave him that idea.

  6. TakeActionWAHM ツ (@TakeActionWAHM) at 3:48 pm

    It’s true. I once said to my mom “Hey mommy! I hate your guts!” – because I saw Little Joe say it on Bonanza and I thought it sounded cool. My mom freaked her s**t out. I still had no idea what it meant, but I now I knew it had some serious power. Realize that this happened before I was 5 years old, and I remember it clear as day, so you can imagine the freak out that my mom had.

    Moral: Kids say stupid s**t. Laugh it off.

  7. Jessica Leigh at 9:44 am

    OMG. Hot beef injection…how did no one point out the best blog line ever? I spit my popcorn out of my mouth!