Why you should teach your kiddo it’s NOT a tail, it’s a you-know-what


Dear Baby Sideburns,

I’ve been told by an “expert” that I need to tell my 5 year old boy what his private part is called. I’ve avoided it until now. What on earth do we call his “tail” as he calls it?



Dear Ashlye,

Here are some names you can call it:

Tally whacker

Happy hot dog

Fun stick

Johnson & Johnson



Hot Diggity Dog

Pee pee squirter

Wee willy winky

Yup, those are some awesome names for it. IF YOU WANT HIM TO BE TOTALLY F’ED UP. I mean this kiddo is entering kindergarten and do you know what kindergarteners do? They talk. To each other on the playground. And some of them are even going to know shit like you put your wanky into her mum-mum and you make a baby. I shit you not.

Because some of those kiddos at recess aren’t first children. They’re second children and third children and fifth children and they’ve got big sisters and big brothers who tell them allllll sorts of stuff. And you have a choice right now.You can teach your son the real name for his you-know-what (even if he still wants to call it his tail after your little chat) OR you can let someone else’s little douchenugget teach it to him when they’re sitting on the monkey bars.

Oh wait, unless, you’re one of those homeschoolers in which case I’m changing everything I said. Because then you can totally keep him in his little bubble and not teach him jack shit and then when he marries little Jaja Duggar it’ll be HILARIOUS when they’re in bed together after the wedding and they’re sitting there waiting for the stork to bring them their baby because he doesn’t know he’s supposed to insert his tail into her flower.

Hope that helps Ashlye!!


Baby Sideburns

There are 28 comments for this article
  1. NOT a troll at 12:56 pm

    Amen. I feel it’s imperative to teach children the proper names of body parts and to use them. Also, be open and honest about what’s going on with your body. When they’re playing lincoln logs with your tampons, tell them what they’re really for, menstration. I’ve always believed in having an open dialogue and it has proven to be very helpful when having “the talk”, which just recently happened. Now it’s a whole new ball game.

  2. mimitomost at 2:45 pm

    Yeah. I’m thinking by the age of 5 kids should know the proper name for their private parts!! But when you have adults that won’t even use the proper term, that makes it kind of difficult.

  3. Jenna at 5:56 pm

    I laughed so hard at this I almost choked!! I taught my son (he’s 4+) the name for his “you-know-what” from the time he could understand. I’ve always referred to it by its correct name. What I hadnt taught him yet was the name for a girl’s “you-know-what”. I figured he didnt need to know it just yet. All he knew was what he has and that girls don’t have it. Then he started knocking on the door when I was in the bathroom and asking me if I was peeing from my “Not-a-p***s”. Now thats what he calls what a girl has!!! Lol….figure I should give him the name yet Baby Sideburns??

    • loulou at 9:02 am

      Ditto son 4 knows about his business but refers to girls business as”panties” right now I’m OK with leaving it at panties.

  4. melissa at 6:14 pm

    I always feel more embarrassed by the silly innuendo names than just using the correct words. P***s was one of my son’s first words I think! When I met a little girl who calls it her hooha or whatever, it makes me cringe

  5. Marcia at 9:55 pm

    Great article. My boy is now 7 and has always used the correct terminology. He has also always known a girl has a v****a. However, when came to wanting to see a v****a that was a whole other thing (age 5). He then asked if I could tell him what it looked like. I used the belly button comparison….in the area of privates all boys have outties and all girls have innies. No further questions were asked and I breathed a sigh of relief…and besides Toopy and Binoo was starting. 🙂

  6. Listenbuster at 9:20 pm

    Sadly, the most important reason for children the proper names for their own genitalia is because of the possibility for sexual abuse claims to be misunderstood. A mother taught her daughter that her v****a was her “cookie,” a boy was taught that his p***s was his “best friend.” So when the little girl told her teacher that her daddy ate her cookie last night, and the boy said his uncle was messing with his best friend, that went unreported for far too long.

  7. Jennifer Clayborn at 3:25 am

    I realize it’s an uncomfortable discussion to have for some people, but they won’t be babies forever, they’re smarter than we usually give them credit for, and all those nicknames just sound goofy as hell. Boys have a P***S and girls have a V****A. They have real names. If you have that much trouble with the words, maybe ‘you’ (figurative/collective ‘you’) were to immature to begin reproducing. Hmmm??

  8. E.D. Stewart at 7:00 am

    Just an FYI, I homeschooled and it wasn’t about keeping my kid in some kind of bubble, it was about making sure he had enough education to get into college (schools where I lived were ignorant horror shows). I have friends who homeschool because one parent’s job causes a lot of travel and they want to be together as a family instead of Daddy being gone all the time. I know another family who homeschools because the parents are doctors in Africa trying to help stop the AIDS epidemic there. And another family that homeschools because their son is Autistic. My list of homeschooling families who aren’t Duggarites is practically endless.
    Not every homeschool family is about overprotecting, creating a bubble or becoming Duggarites. I mostly enjoy your posts but this one just pissed me right the hell off. You came across as a judgemental t**t… Stop categorizing people over choices you obviously have NFC about. Then perhaps reevaluate your F’ed up judgy double standards. Some of your posts seem to be speaking out against the kind of twatism you just practiced by placing me into a box with perverts like the Duggars because of my choice AS A PARENT on how to educate my child. Get over yourself and check your shitty attitude. And a HUGE unfollow now.

    • Lynn at 10:24 am

      This is my second time reading this blog. I thought it was pretty funny with little nuggets of truth in it (my favorite kind of humor). At this point, I’m going to hope that she was just trying to be funny and that she’s not actually the closed-minded, ignorant, judgemental person that comment about homeschooling makes her sound. I will reserve my judgement and keep reading for the time being. However, I hope she gets her head out and figures out that many people will NOT find that funny and (if she cares) she could lose readers that way. For me, that would be a shame because I love her stuff so far (mostly).

    • Brandon at 3:58 pm

      Are you just looking for something to be offended about? Nothing was said judging people who home school. A comment was made about this one particular person who is clearly trying to keep their kid in a bubble. At no point was there a generalization about any other people. Just this one.

  9. Chris at 9:50 am

    Here is my pet peeve – Boys have a p***s – that does all the work. Girls have a v****a. And a urethra. Urethra is the one for pee. V****a is the one for s*x/menstruation/babies. Until puberty hits, one is more important than the other so why do so many people use v****a as the all-purpose word?

    By the way, my 4 year old drew a picture of me the other day. With a p***s. I told him I don’t have one. So he told me – oh, it isn’t a p***s. It is a hole with pee coming out.

  10. Heidi Stauff at 2:30 pm

    Thanks for the homeschool bash. I waited to tell them the proper words. Why? Because a 3 and 4 year old don’t have the social prowess to understand when it is and is not appropriate to use them. My kids like to insert them into every sentence possible at all times in ridiculous ways to make each other laugh and this way I don’t have to deal with strangers in grocery lines giving us bad looks because they don’t know what the hell they are talking about. Rectum, p***s and v****a aren’t as much fun to put in a rhyme to tease your sister anyway.

    It’s silly to say you will “jack up your kids” if you don’t teach them the correct words for p***s, v****a, rectum, buttocks, a**s, vulva etc. until they are older. Do your kids say, excuse me I have to go make a bowel movement, pass feces, urinate? Sometimes it’s easier just easier to say b**t, p**p and pee.

  11. AthenaC at 4:17 pm

    I started by teaching my girls to say “v****a” but I really didn’t enjoy all the “you’re a weird parent” looks I got from people when my then-4-year-old would announce to the world that “My v****a itches.”

    I just think that little kids saying “p***s” and “v****a” assault the ears, but I also didn’t want to use any of the obnoxious, immature euphemisms people use. For my son, we settled on “pee pee” (because that’s what it’s used for when you’re 2 – going pee pee in the potty), and for the girls, we settled on “girl parts” (because that’s what they are).

  12. Kay at 2:13 am

    Plus it is just far more humorous. I’ll never forget watching my 5 year olds year end gymnastics show when she slipped on the balance beam and landed stradling it. She YELLED to me “I hurt my V****a!!!” Even the prissiest parent chuckled.

  13. Pim! at 7:17 am

    My son is four, and he has known what it’s called from when he asked about it. (“What’s this?” “That’s your pene.” [Spanish]) He’s just now asking why I don’t or his sister doesn’t have one. Just told him that we have different organs, and told him what it was called. End of that, haha.

  14. cathy leone at 6:41 pm

    I believe in the proper name at 5 but weewee and peepee are okay. Not funstick, or other names. Tail is okay but i think it’s best to tell them the truth. A kid saying funstick etc people are going to wonder where their kid picked that up and yes kids talk about it. Some are just as bad. Kids learn bad words young. No need to add more.

  15. Dale Mom (@dalemom) at 9:03 pm

    I had lots of fun when my now grown kids were in grade school. I wondered why a teacher didn’t know what my daughter meant when she said she was going to brush her follicles. But it wasn’t quite as fun when i got called to talk to a 4th grade teacher about my child calling another a prolapsed rectum. Well, actually it was pretty funny. Overall, good memories because we used other terms and the “medical term” and they knew what was socially acceptable. I think they knew that, not because i sat down and had a lengthy conversation, but because CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE. We are all so different and most all of us turn out just fine. So do what makes you feel best, love others, and just laugh often. On a side note, the day Monica Lewinsky junk went public i picked up my kids from school and the first thing they asked was “whats a B#$* J*#”. To which i nearly fell over. So, as a nurse, i explained it in very simple but 100% medical terminology. The response, “oh gross, isnt that where pee comes out?”. That was the end of that conversation.

  16. laurakmeyer at 12:47 am

    I can’t help but notice that every instance of the word p***s and v****a are asterisked out. That is a rather large indictment of the shame we still attach to these perfectly natural, normal, words for “certain” body parts. Interesting eh?

    • Mascha at 9:04 pm

      Yes! That was exactly my thought!!

      Also my 4 yr old twins know from the first time they pointed to their own and their sibling genitalia that my son has a p***s (yes, totally writing it ‘out loud’) and that my daughter has a v****a (again). Seems quite normal to me, although we did go through a phase where I had to explain to them that we typically don’t (loudly!) talk about our genitalia while in line at the supermarket (or any other public place) 🙂

      So yes, I fully support using accurate names for all body parts, or whatever acts you can do with them for that matter when serious questions come up. But I realize that was also how I was raised and if you grew up with more taboo surrounding this topic it might undoubtedly be more difficult, shame and guilt being strong social emotions.

      • Mascha at 9:08 pm

        Aaah! The forum asterikses ‘the’ words out! I had no idea and for one minute thought I was the only ‘brave’ soul, hahaha! My goodness though, that’s kind of unfortunate.

  17. Michael Mitchell at 11:30 am

    I remember at five when asked I told him the correct name but at seven he asked his mother when he was bathing, why does it stand up like that? She told him he had to pee. When she told me that she didnt know what else to say, I laughed.

  18. learningspectrum2007 at 11:11 am

    All my children learned the correct anatomical names of their body parts and to appreciate the body they have and the differences. . .all despite the fact that we homeschool (which really has no bearing on any of this, but YOU opened that door)

  19. Doris Lee Zinna at 11:05 am

    I love your blog! Read it all the time. However, as a mom who homeschooled all 4 of my t**d nuggets, I will share that I’m so sick of the stereotyping of homeschoolers. Yes, some do keep their kids in little boxes and only let them go to church. But in my experience, most do not. Our kids usually end up very social and outgoing. And much better able to hold intelligent convo’s, even with adults. Just had to share!

  20. William at 11:44 pm

    Why do people assume that those who home school pussyfoot around subjects like this? I don’t bullshit my boys (3 & 5) on anything. That sets them up for embarrassment and humiliation later. I myself will deal with the awkwardness of them blurting out stuff in public. Stop assuming your child is an idiot too, they understand more than you know and once they have basics of language, move them on from kiddie books, I had to take break due to our move but once things are settled they will be back to hearing me read the Illiod. Give your child some credit, they are like sponges and they comprehend information quickly.. Enjoy your day and your kids..