Ten sure-fire ways to make sure turdbags don’t ring your doorbell during nap time

My 3.5 year-old still naps. Yup, I said that. Be jealous. Judge me if you want. But man do I get a lot of shit done while he’s sleeping and there is no way I’m letting him drop his nap yet. Yeah, some days he’s a total douchenugget and keeps singing to himself and coming out of his room until I finally give up, but usually he’ll sleep for an hour or two and I can do important stuff like pluck my unibrow in peace and figure out how to make dinner out of the four pitiful items in our fridge. Q: What do you make with jelly, American cheese slices, watermelon yogurt and a shitload of old condiments? A: You make a phone call to the pizza place. But I digress.

Anyways, so you know what pisses me off to no end? When I’ve finally convinced my kid to take a nap and like two minutes after he goes down, DING DONG!!!!!

And he bursts out his door.

HOLDEN: Mommy, who is that?!!!

Are you F’ing kidding me? Yo delivery dude, did you just choose to ignore the little post it note I taped by the doorbell that says “Do NOT ring bell please.” I added the word please so he wouldn’t think I’m a total bitch. Anyways, you suck. And you know what, I’m not messing around anymore. From now on, screw the please. Here are a few examples of what my doorbell post it note is gonna say from now on.

doorbell3 doorbell4 doorbell5 doorbell9 doorbell8 doorbell6 doorbell11 doorbell12 doorbell7 doorbell15

So there you go. I triple dog dare you to ring it. Say hello to my leetle naked cellulite body. And there’s really nothing little about it.

Well, shitttt, those are just some dinky post-it notes I scribbled out. If you thought those were kinda sorta funny, you should check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. Guaranteed to make you laugh so hard, some of your orifices might leak a little.


There are 12 comments for this article
  1. Meredith at 9:47 am

    I’m a fan of the Channing Tatum one!

  2. Julia at 9:47 am

    OMG! Why do you have so many different doorbells? No wonder they’re always ringing!

  3. sillylilies at 10:08 am

    @Julia, I was thinking the same thing. Great idea though, the delivery man never fails to ring during nap time.. usually on days I’m taking a nap too.

  4. renee at 10:09 am

    I have a girl scout and more cookies in my freezer than any family of four should ever eat. Thank god we don’t have a door bell! When I did have one I disconnected it! If it’s important they will call first!

  5. Christin at 10:13 am

    Just when I think your blog can’t possibly get any funnier, you prove me wrong!

  6. Kristin at 10:21 am

    I couldn’t decide which one was the funniest!!! It’s so funny that you posted this today, I’m waiting for a package and I was tempted to use some duct tape to block off my sidewalk so the delivery guy can’t get close enough for the dog to notice him and start barking!! We took our bell out, but left the wires hanging there, not sure what would happen if you touch them:) But the dog barking is worse than the bell and she only barks at the delivery guy:/

  7. Trish at 2:00 pm

    We had to add “OR KNOCK” to our notes. A knock on the door still makes the dogs bark and that’s what we’re trying to avoid!

    Our UPS guy is fantastic now though. He tiptoes onto the porch whether or not our sign is up. I think he saw way too many dirty looks from me in the first 3 months of my son’s life.

    • JBC at 6:58 pm

      I used to have a sign on my door “you wake ’em, you take ’em and the youngest is never happy”

  8. Cara at 11:26 pm

    I disconnected ours. Whoever the dummy was who built our house installed both doorbell boxes above the up and downstairs bedroom doors!!! If it’s important they’ll knock loud enough.

  9. Peggy Steele at 2:41 pm

    I don’t think a ringing doorbell would wake my daughter…but yeah, if we had dogs that would wake her. And then I’d be pretty upset

  10. Charong at 5:40 pm

    Too Funny. We used to have all sorts of notes on our door. Nobody listened! And some non-parents complained!