The new Cinderella movie: a half-assed review about a kickass movie

ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?!

ME: It’s a surprise!!

ZOEY: Noooo, tell me.

ME: It’s a surprise!!

ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint.

ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go.

ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!!

ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go!

ZOEY: Mommm, just give me a hint.

ME: Hurry up and put ONE shoe on. If we’re late our car is going to turn into a pumpkin.

ZOEY: Yayyyyyyyy, we’re going to a pumpkin farm!!!!! I’m SOOOOO excited!!!!!

Are you F’ing kidding me? And of course by the time I tell her that we’re really going to see the new Cinderella movie, her heart is set on a pumpkin farm and she’s like totally pissed.

Aggghhhh, I can’t believe I’m sitting here in the front seat of the car listening to my rugrat COMPLAIN about how she HAS to go see the Cinderella movie. Someone call Child Protective Services. I’m such a mean mommy.

ME: Young lady, if you don’t shape up that attitude right now I’m going to turn this car around.

Which is a total lie because guess who really wants to see the Cinderella movie. Me. And I’m dyyying to eat popcorn. Seriously, sometimes the only reason I go to the movie theater is to eat movie theater popcorn. And after pretty much every meal in my life (yes, popcorn is a meal) I need to have something sweet so I also need candy. And a soda. But hell if I’m gonna spend our entire mortgage on one trip to the movie theater, so before we left the house I threw a soda can into my purse and we’re hitting the candy store before we go in.

ZOEY: Can I get gummy worms?

ME: Yes, but don’t forget it’s a secret that we have candy in my purse, okay? Don’t tell anyone.

CONCESSIONS GUY: What can I get you guys?

ME: Just a small popcorn, please.

ZOEY: We don’t have any candy in my mom’s purse.

Awesome, Zoey. Real stealthy.

And we go in and watch the movie.

Okay, so I know in the past I’ve come down pretty hard on Disney for a lot of the stuff they’ve made, like they portray weakling princesses who have to be saved by beefhunky men, and they don’t show any gay relationships, and all the heroines are unrealistically hourglassy and disproportionate with teeny-tiny bodies and giant eyes the size of grapefruits, etc etc etc.

But when it comes to the new Cinderella movie here’s what I have to say. Bravo, Disney. BRA-VO. I mean sure, there were still a few things that bothered me, like how ridiculously skinny their waists are in corsets and yeah, I know it’s supposed to be a period piece and that’s how the women dressed back then, but hey, we’re creating role models for our girls here so I’m a-okay with being less historically accurate and causing fewer eating disorders.

And yeah, like in every Disney movie, all the parents die which always sucks and the two young people get married after literally going on like one date and that’s probably not the smartest thing, but hey, it’s not like Cinderella had a lot of awesome opportunities so who can blame her. Let’s just hope Prince Charming doesn’t turn out to be Prince Doucheface after she gets to know him.

But all in all I have to say that Disney created a totally kickass female character in this movie. Like yeah, she might fall head over heels for the prince when she runs into him the first time, but she also stands up for her beliefs and tells him to quit being a selfish a-hole. Nope, this chica’s not gonna compromise her own morals for any guy. Oh, and you wouldn’t catch this girl riding sidesaddle on her horse either. Nope, she straddled that mare and took off at full speed. And throughout the movie, she never seemed like she NEEDED the prince to rescue her. Somehow they managed to make it seem like she rescued him.

Anyways, I could write more about all the badass lessons in this movie, but I just did and it was totally boring to read so I deleted it. Bottom line, somehow Disney managed to take this old story about this kind of boring weak girl and turned her into a powerful, kind, courageous woman who is beautiful inside and out.

Go see it. Just make sure to bring a big purse and stop at 7/11 on your way there.

Don’t forget it’s Mother’s Day sooooooon. So go ahead and order the perfect gift. I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s an awesome way of saying, “Hey Mom, I’m sorry I was such an a-hole.” Because even if you don’t remember, you were. We all were.


There are 22 comments for this article
  1. carolina at 9:02 am

    Best review ever! I absolutely loved the mpvie… even applauded when it ended, but hadn´t given a lot of thoughts on why I loved it so much!

  2. Jenny fitzmaurice at 9:14 am

    I was curious about the Cinderella movie, thanks for writing about it! I just ordered your book for my mom. Good idea.

  3. Stacey Clark at 10:05 am

    Ever After is still one of my favorite all-time movies and the fact that it had a pretty good heroine as Cinderella (one who reads, has convictions and isn’t afraid to speak up about them, saves the prince in a way, etc.) is awesome in my book. Glad to know this new Disney version is more like that. Can’t wait to take my DD and eat popcorn with looooottttsss of “butter”. 🙂

    • Katelyn at 2:06 pm

      Ever After is in my top 5 favorite movies, ever. Can’t wait to see this!

  4. SASSYPIEHOLE (@sassypiehole) at 10:27 am

    Glad you wrote this, I was wondering if it was going to be to intense for my 7yo. She hates when people die. Especially dogs. Mostly dogs. Okay, only dogs, but still…

    And I’m with you: It’s all about the popcorn!

    • MissM at 12:24 pm

      I took my sweet and empathetic five year old to see it last week. She cried when Cinderella’s mom died, but it was just a little blip. She LOVED the rest of it.

      • Linda at 1:02 pm

        Spoiler….bummer…but thanks for sharing

  5. Katie Butler at 10:42 am

    We saw Cinderella this weekend, too, and I almost cried when my three year old looked at me in complete amazement when they transformed the pumpkin. She was AMAZED. I’ve never seen such wonder on her face! That’s when I loved the movie — only because of her face.

    And, yeah, we snuck in Laffy Taffy and Peanut Butter M&M’s.

  6. at 10:44 am

    Thanks for writing this, because I was wondering if this was one of those “yes we market the s**t out of it to kids, causing them to beg their parents for every piece-of-s**t toy/figure/poster/etc on the planet, but it’s actually a really scary adult movie, so hahahaha, fooled you again parents!” Sounds like it’s actually ok for kiddos. Super, because I wasn’t sure how I was going to withstand one more chorus of “But mooooooomma, it’s the ooooonly way I can see the new Frozen movieeeeeee!” and have to take him to a scary adult film anyway! Thanks again. 🙂 🙂

  7. MooseTDog at 10:49 am

    It was nice that they Cinderella so much backstory and a mother. Knowing about her life before the evil steps were on the scene made it even easier to root for her. We even found out the stepmother’s motivations. Both Lilly James and Cate Blanchett were beyond awesome. SURPRISE no cheesy singing and dancing and Bippidi Boppity Booing all over the place. (I think maybe the fairy godmother says it once?) My DD was a little concerned about all the dying but it doesn’t seem to be giving her any nightmares. And don’t worry, no animals die!

  8. kabeese at 11:31 am

    I’m a little surprised you didn’t comment on how tight the pants were on all of the men in the movie. They didn’t leave much to the imagination.

  9. swatts at 11:44 am

    My adult daughter and I wondered about prince charming tight pants and why his bulge seemed bigger otherwise we all loved it.

  10. Trish at 11:50 am

    I simply love reading your stuff! I havent seen Cinderella buy will soon and thanks for the perspective on it

  11. Josie at 2:17 pm

    Have courage and be kind. That is what my 10 year old caught from it,

  12. Amy at 3:06 pm

    The guy who sells stuff in the store on Frozen is implied to be gay. There is a picture of his partner with kids behind him on the shelf…at least that is what I read on some Disney site.

  13. Heather Lauren at 5:42 pm

    I finally had a mother daughter date with my mom without my crotch fruit and went to see It. It was kick a*s and since I’m on a diet I made my mom seek in a bag of cereal and fruit. (Ya I’m boring) but it was an awesome 2 hour date with my mommy!!! Yes I just said that and yes I’m almost 30.

    • Kristen at 11:15 pm

      Crotch fruit. That is great. haha

  14. Sarah at 11:10 am

    My kid is about as stealthy as yours at the movies. LOL. I’m itching to see Cinderella too. Good to know it’s worth seeing.

  15. Charong at 5:08 pm

    I loved the dialogue between you and your daughter. I recently took our daughter and her friend to see this movie. I wasn’t that excited by going because I too have a thing against Disney. But I enjoyed myself and loved the actress who played Cinderella! But I didn’t get as much popcorn as I wanted with two kids!

  16. Colleen Verruto at 10:37 am

    Be kind and have courage!!!! my 15 yr old daughter and surprisingly my 17yr old son and I rented it one night one of our favorite movies.