A Placenta Cookbook!! WHAT?! Is this an April Fools Day joke?

OMG, so the other day someone sent me this lady’s blog about the time she made her placenta into sushi and ate it. No, that entire sentence is not a typo. You can swallow your throw up now.

Anyways, last night I was chatting with my friend who’s VERY preggers and about to pop and we were yapping about placentas and she was saying how she should bring me her placenta after she gives birth ’cause I could do something super funny with it. And part of me was like helllllls yeah, that would be HILARIOUS!! I could do like a placenta cooking show or a kickass April Fools Day joke or something else totally awesome.

But the other part of me was like NO NO NO. I can’t even imagine looking at/smelling/touching that gross organy blob that came out of my friend’s vajayjay. Ewwwwwww. Plus, then she’d have to take it home in a cooler with her hubby and well, that’s just wrong for so many reasons.

FRIEND: Here, honey, you carry this and I’ll carry the infant car seat.

HER HUBBY: No, you carry this and I’ll carry the baby.

FRIEND: No, you.

HER HUBBY: No, you.

FRIEND: Pleeeease, I just had a baby for you.

HER HUBBY: Which is why I will do anything for you. Except that.

Anyways, it reminded me of something I saw on Amazon a while back. THIS.

I shit you not. This is a real thing. And might I add, quite possibly the most hilariously AWESOME baby shower gift everrrr. Anyways, as you can imagine, I had a few thoughts about this lovely cookbook.

1. Let’s just start with the most obvious question. W.T.F?

2. I can’t help but wonder, twenty-five recipes? TWENTY-FIVE?!! Michelle Duggar doesn’t even have enough kids to pull that off.

3. Ahhhh, what to make, what to make? Placenta Parmesan, Placenta Polenta, Placenta Paella? So many options, so little afterbirth.

4. And what do you serve as a side when you’re serving placenta? Oh wait, I know! Some fava beans and a nice chianti. F-f-f-f-f-ftt.

5.

PREGNANT WHACKJOB: OMG, I reeeeeeally hope these twins are fraternal so I can cook TWO placenta recipes!

6.

DETECTIVE: Is there anything that would make her seem like someone who would behead the babysitter?

NEIGHBOR: Nooo, she was very nice. Well, come to think of it, there was that time she cooked and ate her placenta.

7. That’s funny. All the recipes start with “first, marinate the placenta in amniotic fluid for nine months.”

8.

WOMAN: Whatta you think I serve with this, white wine or red wine?

FRIEND: Dude, are you kidding me? Everyone knows you serve placenta with a tall glass of breast milk.

9. So apparently you’re supposed to freeze the placenta first, which is perfect because then you can save it for when you give your baby her first solids.

MOMMY: Look sweetie, Mommy cooked something delicious for you.

BABY: Hey, wait a sec, I’ve had this before!!

10. But here’s a question. When you feed it to her do you make little airplane noises, or do you go the realistic route and push and grunt and throw in a few F-bombs?

11. And WTH do you put it in to store it in the freezer? Aluminum foil? Awww shit, I can’t remember which one is the hamburger patties and which one’s the placenta. Oh well, I’m sure no one at the BBQ will care which one we make.

12.

WOMAN: Hey, do you wanna stay for dinner?

MIDWIFE: Umm, I saw that come out your vagina so I’m gonna say no.

13.

THE AUTHOR: I highly recommending having a water birth. It keeps your placenta nice and moist.

(I apologize for using the word moist, but I think authors who write placenta cookbooks probably use words like moist all the time).

14.

VEGAN: Oh no thank you, I don’t eat meat.

GRANOLAHEAD: It’s not meat. It’s my placenta.

VEGAN: Well, why didn’t you say so?!! Nom nom nom.

15.

WOMAN: I’d like two pounds of placenta.

WHOLE FOODS DELI GUY: Uhh, we don’t have that.

WOMAN: WTF seriously? You sell diva cups, reusable maxi pads, and organic douches but you don’t sell placenta? What kind of place is this anyway?!

16. For an authentic dessert, try serving your Placenta Shakes with umbilical cord straws!!

And last but not least…

17. Tastes like chicken! Chicken that came out of your vajayjay!!

Click on this link and check out the reviews on Amazon. HIGH-F’ing-LARIOUS!!! I seriously can’t even tell which ones are real and which ones are jokes.

And if you like this, please don’t forget to “like” it. Thank you!!