A Placenta Cookbook!! WHAT?! Is this an April Fools Day joke?
OMG, so the other day someone sent me this lady’s blog about the time she made her placenta into sushi and ate it. No, that entire sentence is not a typo. You can swallow your throw up now.
Anyways, last night I was chatting with my friend who’s VERY preggers and about to pop and we were yapping about placentas and she was saying how she should bring me her placenta after she gives birth ’cause I could do something super funny with it. And part of me was like helllllls yeah, that would be HILARIOUS!! I could do like a placenta cooking show or a kickass April Fools Day joke or something else totally awesome.
But the other part of me was like NO NO NO. I can’t even imagine looking at/smelling/touching that gross organy blob that came out of my friend’s vajayjay. Ewwwwwww. Plus, then she’d have to take it home in a cooler with her hubby and well, that’s just wrong for so many reasons.
FRIEND: Here, honey, you carry this and I’ll carry the infant car seat.
HER HUBBY: No, you carry this and I’ll carry the baby.
FRIEND: No, you.
HER HUBBY: No, you.
FRIEND: Pleeeease, I just had a baby for you.
HER HUBBY: Which is why I will do anything for you. Except that.
Anyways, it reminded me of something I saw on Amazon a while back. THIS.
I shit you not. This is a real thing. And might I add, quite possibly the most hilariously AWESOME baby shower gift everrrr. Anyways, as you can imagine, I had a few thoughts about this lovely cookbook.
1. Let’s just start with the most obvious question. W.T.F?
2. I can’t help but wonder, twenty-five recipes? TWENTY-FIVE?!! Michelle Duggar doesn’t even have enough kids to pull that off.
3. Ahhhh, what to make, what to make? Placenta Parmesan, Placenta Polenta, Placenta Paella? So many options, so little afterbirth.
4. And what do you serve as a side when you’re serving placenta? Oh wait, I know! Some fava beans and a nice chianti. F-f-f-f-f-ftt.
PREGNANT WHACKJOB: OMG, I reeeeeeally hope these twins are fraternal so I can cook TWO placenta recipes!
DETECTIVE: Is there anything that would make her seem like someone who would behead the babysitter?
NEIGHBOR: Nooo, she was very nice. Well, come to think of it, there was that time she cooked and ate her placenta.
7. That’s funny. All the recipes start with “first, marinate the placenta in amniotic fluid for nine months.”
WOMAN: Whatta you think I serve with this, white wine or red wine?
FRIEND: Dude, are you kidding me? Everyone knows you serve placenta with a tall glass of breast milk.
9. So apparently you’re supposed to freeze the placenta first, which is perfect because then you can save it for when you give your baby her first solids.
MOMMY: Look sweetie, Mommy cooked something delicious for you.
BABY: Hey, wait a sec, I’ve had this before!!
10. But here’s a question. When you feed it to her do you make little airplane noises, or do you go the realistic route and push and grunt and throw in a few F-bombs?
11. And WTH do you put it in to store it in the freezer? Aluminum foil? Awww shit, I can’t remember which one is the hamburger patties and which one’s the placenta. Oh well, I’m sure no one at the BBQ will care which one we make.
WOMAN: Hey, do you wanna stay for dinner?
MIDWIFE: Umm, I saw that come out your vagina so I’m gonna say no.
THE AUTHOR: I highly recommending having a water birth. It keeps your placenta nice and moist.
(I apologize for using the word moist, but I think authors who write placenta cookbooks probably use words like moist all the time).
VEGAN: Oh no thank you, I don’t eat meat.
GRANOLAHEAD: It’s not meat. It’s my placenta.
VEGAN: Well, why didn’t you say so?!! Nom nom nom.
WOMAN: I’d like two pounds of placenta.
WHOLE FOODS DELI GUY: Uhh, we don’t have that.
WOMAN: WTF seriously? You sell diva cups, reusable maxi pads, and organic douches but you don’t sell placenta? What kind of place is this anyway?!
16. For an authentic dessert, try serving your Placenta Shakes with umbilical cord straws!!
And last but not least…
17. Tastes like chicken! Chicken that came out of your vajayjay!!
Click on this link and check out the reviews on Amazon. HIGH-F’ing-LARIOUS!!! I seriously can’t even tell which ones are real and which ones are jokes.
And if you like this, please don’t forget to “like” it. Thank you!!
You might be interested in this, too. http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-collection-semen-based-recipes/dp/1481227041
I lost it here… “16. For an authentic dessert, try serving your Placenta Shakes with umbilical cord straws!!”
D**n and here I only buried mine in the backyard. Is it too late yo dig it up and cook it? Soooo just kidding. The dog ate it already. Opps just kidding again. Karen brings out my sarcastic side to extreme. Thanks Karen. Not kidding.
I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, most of the reviews are absolute genius “If you saw the placenta factory farms and slaughterhouses……” made me laugh out loud! Took a look at the semen recipe reviews too and they’re just as crazy. Thanks for showing us this new culinary world.
Umm, apparently this is a thing too, (http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Harvest-Paul-Photenhauer-ebook/dp/B00ANT5X82) *puke!
I shouldn’t have been drinking coffee while reading this. Its been a long time since I coughed/snorted/laughed at the same time: almost a nose-douche.
Painful, but totally worth it as I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.
The recipes call for using only organic, wild-caught, antibiotic-free placentas from free-range va-jay-jays, right? Well, alrighty then.
Oh my gosh the reviews are hilarious!! Thank you for the laugh!!
Does it make it better or worse to know that placenta organ belongs to the babe(s) not mama? Definitely not for me!
Not nom nom. You are a riot. Thanks.
I never comment on anything but this is insane!! I can’t even read the reviews without my jaw hitting the floor. Shocked is an understatement! The single guy breeding puppies? I mean really??? That sounds like animal abuse! Am I missing something? Can it be that good?? Now, I’m starting to think I am missing out… i wasnt even given the option of keeping my plecenta!!
By far the funniest thing I have read in quite a while!!
nom nom nom hahahahahaha
free range va-jay-jays bwwaaahahahahah
Just way too funny. I work with women and babies and am continually amazed at mom’s who want to take the placenta home. And a midwife would expect that you invite her for lunch.
My husband had to deliver a placenta to the hospital. To make a very long story short, my husband was a volunteer firefighter/emergency medical responder and they had to attend a home birth. The mom and babe were fine but the placenta had to be brought to the hospital for checking and proper disposal. My husband drew the short stray that night and got picked to take this still warm placenta in a Tupperware container in by ambulance. The nurses at the front desk saw him come in in full firefighter bunker gear with this container and sent him up to maternity ward. Up there he approached the nurse and says ‘I’ve got that packaged I was sent to deliver.’ Kinda quietly so not to draw to much attention. The nurse looks at him and says what package. He replies ‘Dr So-and-so sent me to bring this placenta.’ And as he is handing it to her her reply is ‘oh right, the placenta. Just wait I can give you your Tupperware container back.’ He kinda turned pale and quickly said no that’s alright, they could keep it, and hightailed his b**t out of that hospital so fast. We still like to bug him about it. ?