Nine things I wish someone told me before I had my first baby

1. Sleep now. Like seriously, think of yourself as a bear and this is your only chance to hibernate because as soon as little Miss Poopie Pants arrives, you might not get 8 straight hours of sleep in like, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe forever.

2. Breastfeeding sucks. No pun intended. Eventually it’s pretty amazing so hang in there, but for most mommies the first week or so feels like someone put giant bloodsucking leeches with vampire teeth on your nipples. Yes, even if you’re doing it right.

3. Okay, so you have your old jeans (that you may never fit in again) and you have your maternity pants (that are perfect for Thanksgiving dinners). Now go buy a pair in between. Because even though the baby comes out right away, a bunch of other shit doesn’t.

4. When someone offers you unsolicited advice, just nod your head and put on your best fake I’m listening to you face. And then just think about chocolate or wine or something else that makes you happy. This will help unspeakable amounts.

5. Don’t buy anything new. ANYTHING. Because everything you own is about to be ruined. If you buy it, they will come… and poop on it, or bite it, or color on it, or scrape it, or kick it, or sit on it, or bang it, or drop it in the toilet, probably after you went but before you flushed.

6. Find a pediatrician you like. Because not only will you have to see this person like a million times this year, you will have to ask her embarrassing questions like is it okay that his penis has a lot of extra skin and should I bring her to the ER if her poop is purple?

7. Don’t go childproof your whole house yet. Newborns are basically blobs that do nothing. And if you childproof everything now, every single child latch will break by the time she is old enough to reach the drawer with the knives.

8. If you feel like you need to cry, just cry. Don’t hold it in. Every new mom feels this way at some point. And sometimes it takes a good cry to stop crying.

9. Many things on your body are not going to be the way they were. I don’t care how many perfect-looking mommies you’ve seen in People magazine, things change after you give birth. And it’s totally okay to HATE your new belly or your new nipples or your new bladder. As long as you LOVE yourself.

Congratulations!!!! You’re about to be a mommy and it’s going to be the best most torturous, awesome, horrible, incredible, challenging, wonderful, vomit-inducing, life-changing time of your life. And you can do it.

If you liked this, check out my very honest and HILARIOUS book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s guaranteed to make you laugh so hard you pee your pantaloons if you’ve had a baby. And maybe even if you haven’t.

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There are 7 comments for this article
  1. lynn at 10:06 am

    I’d like to add to schedule regular chiropractic and/or massages for after the baby, because lugging around your new 10 lb weight all the time WILL jack up your back, neck, and shoulders! 🙂

    • Rene at 10:15 am

      If you have family and/or friends that you TRUST to spend time with your little a- hole and they offer to take them for you so you or you and your spouse can have time alone – absolutely, undoubtedly take them up on it! Otherwise you will NOT have this time otherwise! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!! You will be lucky if you can sneak in time to use the bathroom alone or a speed shower otherwise. I know that which I speak of.

  2. Dawn at 10:09 am

    Great and truthfully honest advice for every woman to read BEFORE you make the decision to have children! I can attest to #1 wholeheartedly. My oldest will be 27 in a couple of months and my youngest will be 5 in a few weeks and although all of my children were awesome sleepers (don’t be hating), I don’t remember having a solid 8 hours since the first one arrived. My body quickly adjusted to the night feeding, but those were a short lived time that my body never seemed to adjust back from! Not even lying.

  3. Sheryl at 12:02 pm

    Take advantage of ANYONE (trustworthy of course) who offers to babysit, even for 1/2 hour!! You need the break!

  4. Charong at 5:57 pm

    All so true! Also, if you can, nap when your baby naps. It’s the best feeling!

  5. Debbie at 8:54 am

    Great advice. Wish the language was a little less crude. “A-hole” is even worse than ‘rug-rat’, ‘ankle-biters’, and other terms of ‘endearment’ that people have come up with over the years. Understand the love-hate feelings of loving your baby but hating some of the baby-stuff (p**p, spit-up, wet diapers that leak, boy ‘fountains’, constant unsolicited advice, exhaustion, etc.), but the language is distracting from the great message, and I could never give this to anyone as a gift. wow.

  6. Joslyn at 8:37 pm

    I have to say I love the bad language because we can’t say it out loud anymore so it’s nice to read it. It adds a good punch and makes me laugh even harder. I just finished reading your book and several times I had to read some lines to my husband who also found it hilarious!