HAVING FAT THIGHS ACTUALLY MAKES OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BETTER AND THAT’S WHY I’M AWESOME

ME: I want another cookie.

WILLPOWER: You said you’d only have one.

ME: But I realllllly want one.

WILLPOWER: You’ll feel better if you don’t.

ME: I know, I know.

(pause)

ME: I don’t feel better.

WILLPOWER: Stop thinking about it.

ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll do that.

(Pause)

ME: It’s not working. I’m just gonna have one more cookie.

WILLPOWER: I thought you wanted to look good in a bathing suit.

ME: I do want that. But I want a cookie more.

WILLPOWER: Rememberrr, you’re going to the pool on Tuesday.

ME: Grrrrrr.

WILLPOWER: Where people will be looking at your thighs.

ME: You know what, you’re right.

WILLPOWER: I am?

ME: Yes. And I don’t want to make those people feel bad if my body is too perfect.

WILLPOWER: Huh?

ME: They’ll feel better about their own thighs if they see my FAT thighs.

WILLPOWER: That doesn’t make any sense.

ME: In fact I should eat TWO cookies.

WILLPOWER: What?

ME: The bigger MY thighs are, the better I’ll make other people feel.

WILLPOWER: You’re kidding, right?

ME: (mouth filled with cookies) Ri’m ronna rake REVERYONE freel RAWESOME!!!

WILLPOWER: (sarcastic) You’re such a good Samaritan.

ME: Mmmmmm, these are delicious.

WILLPOWER: I’m leaving.

ME: Bye-bye. Don’t let the door hit your bony butt on the way out!

Yup, don’t forget this Summer if you go to the pool with a perfect body, you’re making other people feel bad. So go ahead and eat more cookies and ice cream and French fries. It’s the nicest thing you can do for society!

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