I hope you’re having a boy baby and not a girl

Okay, so yesterday I was sitting with my college roomie and she’s about to have her first baby and I am sooooooo excited for her. But that bitch isn’t finding out whether they’re having a boy or a girl. Aggghhhhh!!! How can you do this to me?!!! I mean how am I supposed to buy your child all sorts of adorable stuff if I don’t know what you’re having?

And yeah, I know what you’re gonna say. Just buy us green and yellow shit. Well, I’m sorry, but the green and yellow stuff just isn’t as cute, so I’m saving my money and sending you a bunch of pink or blue shit when IT’s born. See? By not finding out what you’re having I even have to offend your baby and call it an “it.”

ME: Okay, fine, I know you’re not finding out, but what do you think you’re having?

HER: A baby.

ME: No shit, Sherlock. What kind?

HER: Everyone thinks it’s a boy.

ME: Oh good, boys are so much better.

HER: They are?

Awww crap, why did I say that?! ‘Cause you just know she’s gonna call me in two months and say, “It’s a girl!!!”

ME: Uhhh, I mean, girls are awesome too. They’re both awesome. I love my girl!!

And then I stumbled and bumbled and tried to back step, but WTH, the damage was already done. Here you go, old friend. Reasons I hope your little poop machine has a peeper and not a vajayjay:

1. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but babies are born either bald or with short hair which basically means they all look like boys. And even if you dress your daughter from head to toe in hot pink and pale pink and pink flowers, for some reason random strangers will still look down at her and say, “Awww, HE’S so cute,” until you finally get so annoyed that you strap one of those giant flower headbands to her head, and then people finally know she’s a girl! For about point two seconds until she rips that shit off and literally the same stranger who just saw her with the big-ass peony on her head like six seconds ago is like, “Awww HE’S so cute.”

2. Chances are if you have a boy he’s gonna be all into shit like trucks and diggers and emergency vehicles and trains and other stuff that just happens to be all around you in the real world. Verses a girl who’s probably into shit like princesses and unicorns (yes, I know I’m gender-stereotyping, but I’m just going off my own experience). So when your boy is throwing a shit fit in the back of the car because he dropped his stupid Sophie the $9,000 giraffe you can be like, “Oooooh, look at the garbage truck!” and he’ll stop crying immediately. But unless you live in Buckingham Palace, there ain’t no princesses walking around, so when you’re daughter’s pitching a fit you have to get creative.

ME: Ooooh, wait, doesn’t that cloud look like a unicorn?

HER: Where?

ME: There!

HER: Where? I don’t see it!

ME: Oh no, it’s morphing into a turtle now.

HER: Wahhhh, I want to see the unicorn!!!

ME: Hmm, now it’s a dolphin.

HER: I (air suck) want (air suck) to (air suck) see (air suck) a unicorn NOWWWWW!!!

ME: Well, shit. I don’t see any unicorns around here. Maybe I can swing by Hogwarts on our way home. Oh wait, never mind, I have to get home to cook dinner. And oh yeah, Hogwarts and unicorns are fake and don’t really exist.


3. Okay, so you know how alcohol can make you do shit you wouldn’t ordinarily do. So does little girls clothing. Like seriously, I walk into the girls’ section at Tarjay and I see a tiny tutu and immediately send my hubby a text.

TEXT: We HAVE to have another baby!!!

And he sends one back to me.

HIS TEXT: On my way to the vasectomy clinic!!!

I have NEVER walked into the boys’ section and done this. I mean sure, a small superhero shirt is cute, but I’ve probably spent like four million dollars on little girls’ bathing suits just because they have ruffly butts.

4. Speaking of little girls’ butts (awwww shit, now I’m gonna be flagged as a pedophile page) guess what little girls constantly have on their butts besides ruffles. Urine!! Yup, ‘cause unless you’re little vajilina has some crazy long legs, there ain’t no way she’s gonna be able to squat over a public potty. But if you open the bathroom stall and you have a boy and the seat is the color of Big Bird, that’s when you toss a Cheerio in and say ready, aim, fire.

5. Have you ever heard the expression “Mama’s girl?” No, no you haven’t. But I’ll bet you’ve heard the phrase “Mama’s boy” like a thousand times. And I know I bitch and moan about my son being all clingy and wanting to sit on my lap while I’m driving or eating or peeing or getting a pap smear, but secretly I LOVVVVVVE it. Well, maybe not when I’m in the stirrups but pretty much any other time. I hope the clingy phase lasts forevvvvver.

6. And last but not least, guess what teenage boys can’t do. Get pregnant! I mean yeah, I know, he can get a girl preggers which sucks big time, but it can’t be as bad as watching your teenage girl get knocked up. I mean pretty much every day her growing belly is a reminder that your sweet little innocent daughter did the humpty dance. Plus, if your son impregnates someone, at least you can beat the crap out of him. But you can’t beat the crap out of a pregnant lady. Even if she’s your slutbag daughter.

Anyways, there you go, friend. That’s why you better hope that baby is a boy baby. And if you’re scared shitless that you’re gonna have a girl baby, just talk to me next week. I’m sure I’ll probably be like, “I said WHAT? Nooooo, girls are soooo much better than boys.” It just depends on which one of my kids is being nice and which one is being a total douchenugget at that moment.

And the truth is, who gives a shit what you have, as long as it’s healthy. And a good sleeper.

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There are 14 comments for this article
  1. Kait at 10:50 am

    You hit the nail on the head here! These are exactly all the reasons my husband and I came up with for why a boy is awesome (even thought we love our baby girl, of course). You just express it with so much more…enthusiasm 🙂
    P.S. Short hand for the pregnancy thing: Boy = worry about one p***s, Girl = worry about 3 billion penises.

  2. greenapples at 11:53 am

    I see the phrase ‘college roommate’ (or roomie in your case) and I instantly just zone out.

  3. A Cosens at 12:13 pm

    Well, hey, these days the kid’s gender an be whatever you want it to be, regardless of what it’s born with. Isn’t that the cool leftist thing now?

  4. May at 12:23 pm

    I wish I could unread this article. Your writing is crass and vulgar and lacks any semblance of kindness and grace. I hope your little girl doesn’t know that you “prefer baby boys.” How detrimental that could be. Also, it is absolutely not your concern whether another mother finds out the s*x of her baby. Referring to her as a “b***h” and acting like you’re entitled to know is absurd, to say the least.

    • Ang at 12:56 pm

      Hey May….. It’s sarcasm….get the stick outta your b**t & try to have a bit of humour in your life. Can’t you see she’s not (100%) serious??? Jesus!! If you can’t seem to do that, don’t read the post!

    • Eva at 1:34 pm

      Troll alert!!!! If you don’t like it then why read it? Get over yourself

  5. Cupofjackie at 12:55 pm

    I find that I can spend over $100 on cute baby girl clothing even though she won’t grow into most of it for a few years. And for my son? I tend to leave him in the same boring boy truck shirts and jeans for as long as possible. If he outgrows the pants I’ll just roll them up and call him a hipster. Problem solved!


    • Cassi Pietz at 10:33 am

      LOL I just read this comment after rolling up my youngest boys pants! I have 3 boys and, while I may make more trips to the ER, I gotta agree that boys are easier! I always say that God gave me three boys because he knew how much money I would spend on little girl clothes!

  6. Margaret at 2:33 pm

    If parents feel the need to slap a bow on their daughters head from birth, dress them in overpriced impractical clothing that’s impossible to play in, and freak out when they get dirty, all because they are worried about strangers misgendering their baby, then they shouldn’t be surprised when their daughter grows up to be super high maintenance. So teen girls have the plumbing to get knocked up, sure, but a fair number of them make it out of high school and even as far as (*gasp*) college without getting pregnant, as long as you, ya know, tell them where babies come from and how birth control works. Teen boys also tend to commit more school shootings than girls, and are more likely to wind up in prison, so there’s that to worry about, you’re welcome.

  7. Rokkie from Please Be Chocolate at 3:38 pm

    I’m not *certain, Karen, but I *think you *might have written this tongue-in-cheek.

    BTW #5 was my favorite with the idea of your son sitting in your lap while getting your lady garden examined. LMAOOOO

  8. Audra L. at 4:49 pm

    I wanted a boy because I was a tomboy, but evidently my low maintenance personality rubbed off and this gross little girl I had is awesome sauce. She’s a video gaming – rough and tumble – ball o’ ADHD and heinous natural gas. She’s perfect.

  9. Megan P. at 7:22 pm

    My only child is a girl. When I found out, I was terrified. I had been certain that the universe would realize that I wasn’t fit to guide a female human into adulthood. I still have my doubts. Most of my parenting revolves around trying to keep her from turning into a pregnant slutbag when she’s a teenager. The last line made me snort/laugh out loud.

  10. Kay at 7:46 pm

    Um, YES YES and YES! I wanted a little girl SO badly when I was pregs, but now that I have a boy I am over the moon. No hair to do on a daily basis, no cute, frilly outfits to match to cuter, frillier socks, no puberty drama (ugh-periods) and a million more things. Boys get it easierx100. And my little boy is a MAMA’S BOY and I LOVE it! I am TTC #2 and before we started trying I wished and wished it would be a girl, but now I’m hoping BOY!

  11. Tracy C. at 8:13 pm

    When my son was born 18 years ago (Ugh!) I told everyone that wanted me to have a girl that I wanted a boy because…”With a boy you have to worry about one p***s, but with a girl you have to worry about every p***s in the world.” ‘nough said!