Agghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me up the longest wasn’t a kid at all.
Rattle rattle rattle, slurp slurp, nom nom nom nom nom, barrrrrrf.
Right outside our tent. Eeeeeks, WTF is that?!!! I’m scared shitless. And I can hear it growling the whole time it’s going to town on our bag of trash that “someone” forgot to put away before we all went to bed.
OMG, OMG, OMG. I hear my friend unzip her tent and whatever it is hisses at her so she zips it back up again quickly. We are both shitting bricks so we start texting each other.
FRIEND: I’m scared shitless!!!
ME: Me too! Don’t go out there. I can hear it growling.
FRIEND: That’s just my husband snoring.
ME: Oh thank God.
Then my hubby wakes up.
ME: Greg, there’s an animal out there eating out trash.
HUBBY: I’ll check it out. I have to go to the bathroom.
ME: Nooooo, didn’t you hear me?! There is a scary animal out there!
HUBBY: So? He’ll be more scared of me than I am of him.
ME: But what if it’s a bear?
HUBBY: It’s not a bear.
ME: What if it has rabies?
HUBBY: I’m going.
And he goes out of the tent. I’m like are you F’ing kidding me?!!! A. You have no idea what kind of animal it is. And B. You have a penis!!! If I had a penis I’d just unzip the door a little, poke my peeper out the hole and pee like that.
Anyways, I hear him pee, and as soon as he comes back in, I’m like WHAT is it??
HUBBY: I couldn’t see it.
ME: You couldn’t see it?! It’s huge.
HUBBY: I didn’t have a flashlight.
Woah woah woah, there’s brave and then there’s stoopid. Are you shitting me? You went outside with a wild animal out there and you didn’t even bring a light. Holy crap. But here’s the worst thing about it. Listening to my hubby pee totally makes me have to pee too.
ME: I have to pee.
HUBBY: So go.
ME: Noooooo way hozay.
I lie there in my sleeping bag trying desperately not to think about my bladder. Don’t think about peeing. Don’t think about peeing. Don’t think about peeing. Shit, I totally have to pee.
I think about different ways I can pee. Can I stick my butt out the door and then pee without leaving the tent? No, because then my bare ass will be pointed out and the animal could bite it.
Could I pee into one of the kid’s water bottles? I guess so, but what if there’s too much pee? Plus, they cost like $17 and I’d have to throw it out after and buy another. Aggghhhhh, why can’t I have a penis?!!!
Finally I decide to be brave. I can still hear the animal out there chomping away on a bag of Ruffles. I grab the flashlight and I slowly unzip the tent so I can sneak out without him hearing. Wait, noooo, that’s dumb. I shouldn’t surprise him. I change my mind and unzip the door loudly and quickly so the animal might be scared away. The cans and bottles stop rattling immediately and I shine my flashlight at the trash.
And there they are. Four evil glowing eyes staring at me from just fifteen feet away.
Agggghhhhhhh, there are TWO animals!!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG. I hold the light on them and drop my pants as smoothly as possible right at the door and I crouch down to pee, the whole time holding my light on them while they stare back at me clearly ready to eat me.
I try to pee as quickly as possible but I have to hold back a little otherwise the pee will go all over my pants. I can feel it splashing my ankles, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t even worry about where the little river of pee-pee is going. All I care about are those eyes staring back at me. And now I can see what they are. Two very giant very scary evil mangy raccoons. Eeeeeeks!!!! They are HUGE. And they are watching my every move.
And you know how sometimes you accidentally fart a little when you pee which is totally embarrassing if you’re in a public restroom and the person in the next stall hears you fart. That happens. Only it’s not some random stranger that hears my fart. It’s a scary-ass raccoon. And as soon as he hears it, he moves. Holy crap I almost shit myself. I don’t even pull my pants up. I literally dive back into my tent with my bare ass and zip up the door as fast as you can imagine.
HUBBY: Did they attack you?
ME: Screw you.
And when we wake up for the day like two hours later, the trash is everywhere so my friend and I make our husbands clean it all up because it’s covered in raccoon saliva and throw-up. Ewww.
That, my friends, is how my camping trip went this year just in case you were curious. I shat a brick and got urine on my ankles. Awesome.
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