Just a little story about why I wish I had a penis

Tent copyAgghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me up the longest wasn’t a kid at all.

At 2AM when I had finally fallen asleep, imagine me waking up to this sound.

Rattle rattle rattle, slurp slurp, nom nom nom nom nom, barrrrrrf.

Right outside our tent. Eeeeeks, WTF is that?!!! I’m scared shitless. And I can hear it growling the whole time it’s going to town on our bag of trash that “someone” forgot to put away before we all went to bed.

OMG, OMG, OMG. I hear my friend unzip her tent and whatever it is hisses at her so she zips it back up again quickly. We are both shitting bricks so we start texting each other.

FRIEND: I’m scared shitless!!!

ME: Me too! Don’t go out there. I can hear it growling.

FRIEND: That’s just my husband snoring.

ME: Oh thank God.

Then my hubby wakes up.

ME: Greg, there’s an animal out there eating out trash.

HUBBY: I’ll check it out. I have to go to the bathroom.

ME: Nooooo, didn’t you hear me?! There is a scary animal out there!

HUBBY: So? He’ll be more scared of me than I am of him.

ME: But what if it’s a bear?

HUBBY: It’s not a bear.

ME: What if it has rabies?

HUBBY: I’m going.

And he goes out of the tent. I’m like are you F’ing kidding me?!!! A. You have no idea what kind of animal it is. And B. You have a penis!!! If I had a penis I’d just unzip the door a little, poke my peeper out the hole and pee like that.

Anyways, I hear him pee, and as soon as he comes back in, I’m like WHAT is it??

HUBBY: I couldn’t see it.

ME: You couldn’t see it?! It’s huge.

HUBBY: I didn’t have a flashlight.

Woah woah woah, there’s brave and then there’s stoopid. Are you shitting me? You went outside with a wild animal out there and you didn’t even bring a light. Holy crap. But here’s the worst thing about it. Listening to my hubby pee totally makes me have to pee too.

ME: I have to pee.

HUBBY: So go.

ME: Noooooo way hozay.

I lie there in my sleeping bag trying desperately not to think about my bladder. Don’t think about peeing. Don’t think about peeing. Don’t think about peeing. Shit, I totally have to pee.

I think about different ways I can pee. Can I stick my butt out the door and then pee without leaving the tent? No, because then my bare ass will be pointed out and the animal could bite it.

Could I pee into one of the kid’s water bottles? I guess so, but what if there’s too much pee? Plus, they cost like $17 and I’d have to throw it out after and buy another. Aggghhhhh, why can’t I have a penis?!!!

Finally I decide to be brave. I can still hear the animal out there chomping away on a bag of Ruffles. I grab the flashlight and I slowly unzip the tent so I can sneak out without him hearing. Wait, noooo, that’s dumb. I shouldn’t surprise him. I change my mind and unzip the door loudly and quickly so the animal might be scared away. The cans and bottles stop rattling immediately and I shine my flashlight at the trash.

And there they are. Four evil glowing eyes staring at me from just fifteen feet away.

Agggghhhhhhh, there are TWO animals!!!!! OMG, OMG, OMG. I hold the light on them and drop my pants as smoothly as possible right at the door and I crouch down to pee, the whole time holding my light on them while they stare back at me clearly ready to eat me.

I try to pee as quickly as possible but I have to hold back a little otherwise the pee will go all over my pants. I can feel it splashing my ankles, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t even worry about where the little river of pee-pee is going. All I care about are those eyes staring back at me. And now I can see what they are. Two very giant very scary evil mangy raccoons. Eeeeeeks!!!! They are HUGE. And they are watching my every move.

And you know how sometimes you accidentally fart a little when you pee which is totally embarrassing if you’re in a public restroom and the person in the next stall hears you fart. That happens. Only it’s not some random stranger that hears my fart. It’s a scary-ass raccoon. And as soon as he hears it, he moves. Holy crap I almost shit myself. I don’t even pull my pants up. I literally dive back into my tent with my bare ass and zip up the door as fast as you can imagine.

HUBBY: Did they attack you?

ME: Screw you.

And when we wake up for the day like two hours later, the trash is everywhere so my friend and I make our husbands clean it all up because it’s covered in raccoon saliva and throw-up. Ewww.

That, my friends, is how my camping trip went this year just in case you were curious. I shat a brick and got urine on my ankles. Awesome.

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There are 17 comments for this article
  1. B from Aus at 9:45 am

    Hahaha I love it! I’ve had to pee on the side of the road, in the outback, with no trees to hide behind, and lo and behold a big a*s road train- a truck with 4 trailers- comes roaring past, tooting the air horn and waving. Oh the shame!

  2. Christin at 9:49 am

    I’m dying of laughter here……………oh my gosh……..you’re killin’ me, girl!

  3. jpettit000 at 10:16 am

    Brings back my not-so-fond memories of camping!

  4. Life With Teens and Other Wild Things at 11:18 am

    One of my ex’s fave stories was of a buddy of his who had an “emergency” road side. He’d eaten some bad something and… yeah.

    So, being the great friends they were, the guys pulled off into a layby so he could take care of business. Just so happened there were some cones from recent construction nearby. So…. What else do great friends do? They block the road and create a lane that goes directly through the layby and back onto the road, then direct traffic, calling out to the drivers, “Drive left, look right…”

    Poor guy was squatting and swearing… Idk who had the worse seat… him or the drivers who got tricked into viewing his distress. lol

    As to camping, the best tip I ever got was to combine a pool noodle, 5 gallon bucket, and trashbag. Makes a handy porta-potty and keeps the urine off your ankles.

  5. Kim at 11:45 am

    I had a raccoon climb up onto the picnic table where our chocolate/marshmallows/etc were siting in a grocery bag. We were sitting about 20 feet away watchin him. He stole the whole bag!! Just took it with him to make some raccoon s’mores.

    • Michelle at 3:12 am

      I agree with Kelly this works and has come in handy many times! Practice at home before going out into the wild. If you are like me the first few times your body will refuse to pee while you are standing up! I use my go-girl all the time.

  6. Helene at 11:57 am

    And this is why I do not go camping! Thanks for removing any lingering doubts!

  7. Alycia at 1:22 pm

    We went camping for my husbands birthday last month and had a pair of young foxes come through on two different nights. Holy crap they make the most terrifying banshee screams and if you don’t know it’s the foxes you literally think aliens or freaky demons are in the woods.

  8. liz at 1:22 pm

    we bring a kiddie potty seat line with a gallon storage bag for the kids. I have also peed into gallon sized bags line with toilet paper to avoid going out in the rain to pee. then, just unzip the tent and throw into a pile to be dealt with in the a.m.!

  9. Tabitha at 4:07 pm

    Me and my family camped out near beach one year. And it had raccoons bad. I cld hear at night just like you cld. I remember getting up next day and there were raccoon pro to in our cooler. They were able to open the cooler. And one of them stole a whole bag of Cheetos and I could hear them eating them up in the tree… Lmao..

  10. tessamartinuk at 4:18 pm

    Lmao. I have been camping I lasted a whole 3 days and 2 nights. Bearing in mind this is the UK and summer which of course meant it was sodding freezing cold in the tent at night and a bloody sauna during the day, and the field was just a field surrounded by woods. I knew within 5 minutes I was going to hate it. The toilets were miles away (okay a couple of hundred feet……okay okay about 20 feet which is still a lonnnnngggg way when it’s dark and there’s trees and there’s no lights) so both nights I had to pee on the floor near our tent and pray no one caught me. Why is it when you can’t pee, your bladder turns into a fricking thimble? Just to compound my misery we were obviously in the “lets get drunk and make as much noise as possible ALL night” the only good part was having a campfire every night, that part I loved, once we’d figured out how to make a bonfire and light it. But at least I can say I went camping lol

  11. Cupofjackie at 4:31 pm

    This is why the only camping I do is inside camping. In a hotel. Preferably with free HBO.

  12. Onalee Lenoir at 10:45 am

    You need to invest in the She Wee!! Best invention ever, and you can pee like a dude! LOL

  13. Terry Hutchings at 6:15 pm

    This literally MADE MY DAY !!! Lololol !!