How to make your Elf on the Shelf go away for a little while

Ahhhhhhh, don’t you just lovvvvvve that feeling at the end of the day when you finally crawl into bed and the sheets feel so good on your skin and your pillow is so soft and nobody’s bothering you any– AGGHHH, FFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEE!!! I forgot to move that stupid Elf on the Shelf again.

Elf on the Shelf my ass. More like Elf on the microwave. Elf on the back of the toilet. Elf building a snowman out of cotton balls on the counter. Elf hanging from the light fixture but he keeps falling down but you keep trying over and over again until you finally say screw it and put him somewhere else. Yada yada F’ing yada.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the joyful look on their faces when my little a-holios find the elf every morning, but I’ve been moving that stoopid elf around the house every night for over a week now and I just need a break.

But I can’t because if I take a break then the kiddos will come downstairs in the morning and Santa’s little brown-noser will be sitting in the same place he was yesterday, and they’re gonna be all disappointed and think he lost his magic and they’ll turn into cranky sourpusses and I’ll have to listen to them whine like annoying Cailloubians all morning.

But wait a sec, yes, my coffee has clearly kicked in because A. I have to poop and B. I just came up with a brilliant idea!

Our Elf on the Shelf is goin’ away for a little while. Yup, mama needs a break from this 11pm crafty shit so I’m sending him on vacation. The only question is, which one of these awesome setups will I use to get that much-needed break?














Bon voyage Mr. Pointy Ears. Please just be back in time for me to shove you into a box in the basement when I put all the other decorations away.

And if you’re looking for a kickass present this holiday, get the gift that will make your loved ones pee in their pants. I Heart My Little A-Holes is perfect for anyone who doesn’t have a stick up their ass!


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There are 18 comments for this article
  1. Sarah Lynn Parker at 7:49 am

    Lol! Very well done, this cracked me up the whole way through. Lol
    we have forgotten about the elf for a few days now so I need to use these ideas. . Hahaha

  2. Jennifer at 8:13 am

    How funny but hey….you should know that us Jews have a Jewish version of elf on a shelf. We have mensch on a bench. Ours is named Benny. I feel your pain. I’ve scrambled out of bed in the wee hours of the morning with a big “oh s**t” the mensch!

  3. crys hill at 9:18 am

    Thank u! I love u! I am forever ur fan. Bc these lil stuffed a holes have been a a pia since they magically appeared on black friday!

  4. Julie G at 9:28 am

    Omg Hilarious!!! I was just complaining to some friends this morning about the darn elf- I may have to use these ideas as they are brilliant. I especially liked the sleeping beauty one with the “be back in 100 years” note. That would work for me! But they were all funny!!

  5. Jodie at 9:30 am

    I got out of doing the Elf this year. He wrote me a letter saying he was staying with Santa where it’s peaceful and quite and when he hears that boy A and Boy B are being good brothers and getting along and moved from the naughty list he would come pay us a visit. it didn’t work, they could careless about the stupid Elf and are still little asshats on a daily basis.

  6. Gillian Lewis at 10:29 am

    Hahahaha…so glad I didn’t know about “Elf on the Shelf” when my kiddos were younger. Thankfully, my daughter saved herself all the hassle by just saying “No!” with her own two little ones. I can see the positives, but hey, I could hardly handle making sure the Tooth Fairy came in a timely manner MOST of the time, lol.

  7. Kathy Linklater at 11:22 am

    I lucked out that my “little ones” are 21 and 25 and could care less about The Elf. Whatever you do, don’t have Elf get married (the Utah picture was especially humorous), because then you’ll have to move Elf AND his wife/wives every night. LOL.

  8. evap31416 at 11:31 am

    He converted! Ha ha ha. I tried to do the Elf thing with my daughter and she only cared about touching it, of course the only thing she’s not supposed to do. I just left it up on the same place for days and she didn’t even care.

  9. Julia burke at 12:17 pm

    They’re all so funny but the cleaning the fireplace one is cute!

  10. tessamartinuk at 1:54 pm

    Lol luckily we don’t have elf on a shelf, and now my 2 are 11&15 I wouldn’t have to do it anyway! Us parents have a hard enough job I wouldn’t want to make it any harder by moving an elf around, I’d forget anyway, the elf would be in the same place all the time (I’m also buying the gingerbread house already made….and yes I intend on taking all the credit for it 😉 )

  11. Cassi at 5:59 pm

    I solved the problem by never purchasing the little stinker 😉 my kids say…oh I wish we had an elf on the shelf and I respond with…we talk to Santa on the phone all the time so he won’t send up one…I refuse to get suckered in!

  12. Crystal at 6:50 pm

    “Annoying Callioubians”. Made me laugh and pee my pants a little! Good stuff. Thanks.

  13. Michelle at 7:59 pm

    OMG! I especially love the clean the chimney one. Are you sitting down? We’ve had ‘Christian’ for 6 years now. (My children were 5 & 2 when he arrived). Last year I overheard my daughter asking Christian to please have Santa send a girl elf … ugh… so 2 nights later he returned with Angel. Now we have 2 of those miscreants to position. I’m thinking they just might run off and get married!