Heck yeah, I’m gonna raise a douchebag too!!

Okay, so I guess I’m kind of an old-school parent. I under-schedule my rugrats, I make them eat all their non-organic veggies before they get their GMO-packed desserts, and I even yell things like, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!!”

TODAY’S PARENTING EXPERTS: Gasp!! But that’s supposed to be their safe place!

Well, I’ve decided enough living in the past. I can be a modern parent. So here goes, ten things I did today to fit in better with today’s way of parenting:

1. When my son drew on the couch with a Sharpie, I showered him with compliments about his artistic talent. It’s all about building self-esteem. Maybe I’ll even put a frame around it!

2. There were fifteen minutes between yoga class and Mandarin Chinese, so I scheduled a play date. I wouldn’t want him to be bored, ya know?

3. When we went to the playground, I found someone exactly his size and weight to ride the seesaw with him so he doesn’t develop body image issues later in life.

4. I shielded his eyes from a “don’t walk” sign because I don’t ever want anyone telling him he can’t do something.

5. We ate dinner at 3:40 because it’s not fair that I make all the decisions around here and he never gets to make any. Mmmm, donuts with potato chips and an entire canister of whipped cream.

6. He berated the Starbucks barista for forgetting his mocha drizzle so I complimented him on being so assertive.

7. In addition to removing every single object from my minivan (a tiny box of tic-tacs can turn into a lethal weapon in a high-collision accident), I also made sure he wore his bike helmet every time we drove in the car somewhere. It’s important to prepare for every hypothetical.

8. He yelled at me so I apologized to him because obviously the only reason he knows how to yell is because of me.

9. His friend got an iPhone, so I rushed out and bought one for him too. But I told him he’s only allowed to use it for emergencies. Like when we’re stuck in any line longer than three minutes and he needs to watch YouTube.

10. I gave him a trophy because he did such a great job breathing all day. Good job for not dying, buddy.

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There are 18 comments for this article
  1. Julie Ann at 10:45 am

    Hahaaa a….. I totally wish we were neighbors

  2. Shannon at 11:54 am

    Ha, if only there weren’t people actually like this though!

  3. Cheryl Gustafson at 12:05 pm

    That was hilarious! That’s exactly how I feel when I read all these posts about how to raise your child.

  4. Katt at 12:07 pm

    I don’t have kids and won’t have kids, can’t stand them, but i love your blog

    • Samantha at 12:21 pm

      This s**t is gold! Even the comments are funny!

  5. Sharon at 1:36 pm

    That might be one of the greatest things I have ever read! : )

  6. Steph at 1:43 pm

    bahahahaha! right on with so many parents! love your blog!

  7. Sherri Bendish at 4:50 pm

    I never liked reading blogs off the internet until I read yours your the most down to earth mom that says the truth and I have a very stressful life & when I read your blogs it cracks me up & puts a smile on my face so girl keep em coming…. your blogs are the highlight of my very hectic stressful day so I would like to thank you for that…. sincerely one of your fans Sherri

  8. Karen at 5:03 pm

    I’m going to embroider this on unbleached cotton with organically dyed hemp thread.

  9. nikki at 5:21 pm

    love it, you rock and thanks for making me laugh lol

  10. Debra Morgan at 6:35 pm

    I have 3 kids myself that I’ve managed to keep alive for 10, 14 and 18 years. Don’t ask me how because I have no idea.

  11. Jen Graham at 10:08 pm

    I love that your real, you don’t sugar coat parenting and that you speak your mind! What an inspiration you are. 🙂 I love reading everything that you write, keep it up girl. You inspire all us moms. 🙂

  12. Gretchen Gall at 1:53 am

    You are my type of mom 10000 percent! I feel as I found my soul mate in parenting!

  13. Amy Weston at 11:29 am

    You are my HERO!!!!! and you are very funny!!