If that little switch inside my head flips, watch the F out

Inside my head there is a switch. Seriously, just take an x-ray and you’ll see it in there. And when someone won’t put their shoes on, or won’t go use the potty, or leaves a Lego on the stairs and I accidentally impale my foot on it, that switch might get flipped. And if that happens, WATCH THE F OUT. There is no going back. Anything you do will be wrong and you will piss me off and the fiery hell of my wrath will rain down upon you like red-hot embers.

It might last a few seconds, or a few minutes, or however long it takes for everyone to scurry away like cockroaches when you turn the light on. At some point later, the switch will flip back, and I’ll go back to my normal peaceful loving self, and I will feel incredibly guilty for losing it earlier.

But here’s what I try to remember. I’m not alone.

Like the other day I was hanging out with my friend who’s the most perfect, patient, nurturing mommy on earth, and her son wouldn’t stop kicking her chair. All of the sudden, my friend’s switch flipped. Steam started coming out of her ears, her nails grew out like Wolverine, she started drooling like Cujo, and this evil devil voice came out of her mouth.

FRIEND: IF YOU DON’T STOP KICKING MY SEAT RIGHT THIS SECOND I’M GOING TO, AGHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO, BUT IT WILL BE BADDDD.

And after it was done and her little switch flipped back to normal, she apologized to me profusely.

FRIEND: Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. He’s just been pushing my buttons all morning.

ME: Don’t you dare be sorry!! I am so glad to know that you do it too.

And that’s when something occurred to me. Every mom has that little switch inside her head. Every. Single. One. Even the moms we think are perfect.

So I’ve made a little something to help myself feel better the next time I lose it. Maybe it’ll help you too. Here are some other moms who also have lost it at one time or another:

1. Michelle Obama
2. Princess Kate
3. Gwyneth Paltrow
4. Julia Roberts
5. Reese Witherspoon
6. Jennifer Garner
7. Blake Lively
8. Jessica Alba

And in case you’re wondering how I know because I haven’t actually witnessed these people lose their shit before, I know because I know it happens to every mom. No matter how perfect you look, no matter how well-spoken you are, no matter how much yoga you do, no matter how much money you have, or how many nannies you have, or how cool and calm and collected you seem to the world, there will come a day that you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or you finish pooping and “someone” didn’t replace the toilet paper, or your kid forgets their backpack and tells you the second you pull up to school, and that little switch inside your head will flip. And you will lose it. It doesn’t mean you’re a crazy person. It means you’re normal.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it! Thank you!!

And don’t forget to check out my book I Want My Epidural Back!! I wrote it to help moms (and dads!!) feel more normal when they’re feeling crazy.