Hallelujah, there is a God, I’m not preggers!!!!

OMG, so last week I was scared. Shitless. My period was two days late. Not really but stupid February only has 28 days and it threw me all off. And for 48 hours I was convinced I was preggers. For the first 47 hours I panicked, but by the 48th hour I had convinced myself that having a third baby was going to be a wonderful miracle. I went to bed smiling and thinking about our new family, but alas, I woke up in the morning cramping and spotting… and screaming hallelujah from the rooftops.

ME: I’m not pregnant!! I’m not pregnant!!! Hallelujah, I’m not pregnant!!!

Needless to say, our neighbors were like WTF?

Anyways, as much as I think it would be fun to cuddle and cradle a sweet little cherub, deep down inside I am SOOOOOO thankful I am not starting back at the beginning. Because now that my rugrats are five and eight, here are ten things I will NEVER have to do again:

1. Wipe someone else’s ass. There’s only one more ass I will be wiping. My husband’s fifty years from now.

2. Open another baby gate. Or worse, break my vajayjay because I was lazy and tried to step over it.

3. Buckle someone into a car seat. Or break my thumbs trying to unbuckle them. Or violate their crotch when I’m trying to dig the seatbelt out from under their butt. Or get ripped a new one by all the Judy McJudgies because the chest clip is a millimeter too high.

4. Make an airplane noise to get someone to eat their veggies. Either you eat your veggies and get dessert. Or you don’t eat your veggies and there’s more dessert for me.

5. Pop my boob into someone’s mouth because they’re crying. If you want my boob in your mouth, you better show up with roses, Marvin Gaye and a bottle of vino.

6. Carry someone everywhere I go. Unless your legs are broken, you’re walking. And if you keep whining about it, I’m gonna break something other than your legs so you can still walk.

7. Peel someone off the floor. I am a mom, not a human spatula.

8. Take someone to the bathroom with me. Sorry, Ticketmaster will no longer be selling front row seats to the Mommy is Pooping Show.

9. Carry a diaper bag. Yeah my purse is just as big and I can’t find shit in it, but at least I won’t find SHIT in it.

10. Play Barbies, doctor, dollies, cars, house, princesses, superheroes, Paw Patrol, tea party, cops, robbers, dinosaurs, dragons, babies, choo choo, stuffed animal school or any other game that makes me pretend like I’m something I’m not. A whack job.

And THAT, my amigos, is why I’m happy I got my period this month.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

And here’s a bit of awesome news!! My first book is on Kindle right now for only $2!!!! No, that is not a typoe. I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh your ass off. 


There are 11 comments for this article
  1. Kimberley Hlina at 11:34 am

    With your youngest only 5, you don’t have to do these things anymore? How did you wean them so young??
    “Play Barbies, doctor, dollies, cars, house, princesses, superheroes, Paw Patrol, tea party, cops, robbers, dinosaurs, dragons, babies, choo choo, stuffed animal school or any other game that makes me pretend like I’m something I’m not. A whack job.”

  2. Heather at 1:26 pm

    I have 8 year old girl & 5 year old boy, and every time I see a baby I’m like….well maybe….then I look at my kids and think….NOPE, I’M GOOD. For most of the same reasons you listed 😊

    • Alissa Patrick at 3:01 pm

      Exactly the same reaction I have!! And my kids are younger- almost 4 and year and a half. I see little babies and I go “awwww… okay bye!”

  3. Tessa Martin at 2:09 pm

    This made my day! Literally. My girls are 17&14, and I’ve been feeling all kinds of “wahhh my babies are growing up so fast, wouldn’t it be a great idea to have another baby” even though I’m almost 44 and haven’t had a period in about 4 years, and The Hubster had the snip more than 9 years ago, when I first got sick and was told that if we had another child, there were 2 scenarios:
    1) Baby would die.
    2) Baby AND I would die.
    Now, of course, I know I’m going through the menopause, either because of all the medications I take or I’m just at the age, the hot flushes gave it away 😂 Hence why I’ve been getting so hormonal blah blah blah. So reading this reminded me why it’s great to have older kids including:
    1) Sleep. Fair enough both my girls were sleeping through the night by 5 weeks old, now that they’re teenagers I can sleep as much as I want, except school days, even then I don’t have to do anything except wave bye at the front door.
    2) They can feed themselves. You don’t want dinner? Fine there’s cereal in the cupboard.
    3) I can watch whatever the hell I want on TV. No more irritating kids TV shows.
    4) I can lie on my bed and read without getting disturbed.
    5) I can go out with just The Hubster with NO kids!
    6) I can leave the house in minutes rather than arguing and/or bribing the kids to hurry up.
    7) I no longer have to referee, telling them to play nicely or put them in time out.
    8) No more arguments over bedtime.
    9) no more children kicking me in the back as they take over our bed.

  4. LorinNYC at 8:04 am

    This happened to me!!!! LOL I’m an older mom with small kids still. I was about 46? I’m at that age where I can’t remember how old I was when something happened. Anyway, my youngest was 4 or just turned 5 and I got the swollen boobies overnight! Ack! I was so convinced. My husband and I started laughing in that “panicy” silly laugh. I actually bought a test. Turned out I wasn’t! Whew. I think enough time had passed from nursing that my breasts were turning back to normal and I was pmsing.

    Needless to say, I’ve takin’ care of that and there will be no more babies. Whew! I’m now 49 and happy with my three. No need to do diapers and naps again. Don’t miss it! Thanks for sharing and making me laugh at my own panic!

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