HUBBY: What should we do for Mother’s Day?
MOM: Hmmm, maybe take the kids somewhere fun.
HUBBY: That’s what you want to do on Mother’s Day?
MOM: Ohhhh. You said “we,” so I just assumed you meant you and the kids. I have my own day planned.
Mommy’s Perfect Mother’s Day Itinerary
Wake up at 8am to the sweet sound of birds chirping and have a mild heart attack because for a moment I’m positive I’m the only one in the house who survived a carbon monoxide leak.
Find everyone else’s beds empty and realize they’re not poisoned. They’ve just gone out to breakfast. Without me.
Make the Home Alone face in the mirror and start dancing around the house like Macaulay Culkin because I have the whole house to myself!!
Stand around going, now WTF do I do?
Get in the car and drive to Target.
Pass up the first parking spot for the one that’s halfway down the aisle next to the cart corral. Duhhh.
Stop at Starbucks on my way into the store and order a Trenta because it’s Mother’s Day.
Walk aimlessly around Target lingering in all the awesome sections I never get to go to.
Run into like nine of my friends and have ridiculously long conversations I could never have if my kids were there, and then say goodbye, and then awkwardly bump into them again on every aisle.
Purposely choose the checkout line with my favorite cashier I know by name.
Leave Target because it’s noon now.
Load my bags into the trunk, but remember to put one bag into the front seat with me so I can shovel fistfuls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into my face while I’m driving.
Head to HomeGoods because I have nowhere else to be.
Walk around HomeGoods for a million hours. See a tray I really like so I line up all the identical trays of that kind to see which one is the prettiest. Look at them for a really long time, eliminating them one by one until I decide I don’t want the tray at all. See like 9 million other awesome things but never put a single item in my cart.
Get back in the car and wonder WTF to do now.
Start missing my family a little.
Go home and they’re not there so lie down to take the first nap I’ve taken in 8 years.
Lie there wondering why I can’t fall asleep.
Get up and start doing chores around the house even though it’s Mother’s Day because if I don’t do it today, I’ll just have to do it tomorrow.
Get annoyed that my family is out doing something fun while I’m at home doing chores.
Send my hubby a slightly passive-aggressive text to see where they are.
Find out they went out for pancakes, then McDonalds, then ice cream and now they’re at the park without jackets chugging soda.
Pull up to the park and immediately get tackled by them.
“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!!!!!!”
“Awwww, thanks! I missed you guys!!!”
Hang out for ten minutes and start to get annoyed and wish I could just go to Target and HomeGoods and then home for a nap.