8 things you’re probably doing because of the coronavirus

1. Freaking out every time your kids walk into the house

   “WASH YOUR HANDS FOR TWENTY SECONDS RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!!” which is kinda hilarious because all day long at school they’re literally sucking on water fountains and taking other people’s boogers and putting them in their nose.

2. Buying toilet paper out the wazoo

   Seriously I went to Costco the other day and they were rationing it, and everyone was like ohhhh noooo, how are we going to survive with only two things of toilet paper??!!! I mean hellllooo, unless you’re dealing with Montezuma’s revenge or had a major chocolate craving and accidentally scarfed down a bunch of ex-lax, two HUMUNGOUS reams of Costco toilet paper it is gonna last a lonnnnng time. 

3. Debating whether to order N95 masks

   A. They’re 9 million dollars now. B. The Amazon seller looks totally sketchy like they’re posting this sale from the back of some beige kidnapper van. And C. The package is coming straight from the hot zone itself.

4. Freaking out every time you hear someone cough

   The woman behind you in the grocery store line starts coughing and you’re like WTF, I’m literally standing in front of Typhoid Mary, when really she’s just a woman who swallowed a popcorn kernel wrong and she’s been trying to clear her throat for the past four days.

5. Desperately trying to find even an ounce of hand sanitizer still in stock

   You’re searching on Amazon and every single one says “currently unavailable” except for the all-natural one and you’re like F that, I NEED chemicals, when suddenly you stumble upon one that’s available and you’re like wooohooooooo!!! It’s $570 for 1.5 ounces and will arrive sometime between April 22^nd and December 11^th. 2027.

6. Skipping out on Chinese food for dinner

   I mean sure, I get your fear because that person cooking your moo shu pork did come here from China… TWENTY-TWO YEARS AGO!!!!  Lonnnng before the coronavirus started. So go ahead and order Chinese food, but whatever you do, do NOT cook pasta for dinner because that’s Italian and you know what’s happening in Italy, right? FYI, that whole part about Italy was written in the sarcastic font in case you didn’t notice. 

7. Trying not to touch your face

   OMG, your nose is constantly itching. Oh no, now your chin is itching too, and your eye, and you just accidentally rubbed your forehead!!! Aggghhh, why won’t your face stop itching?!!! Basically it’s same problem as getting the lice letter from the nurse only it’s your face instead of your head.

8. Stocking up on what you’re REALLY gonna need if schools close and there’s a quarantine

   Not toilet paper. Not rice. Not masks. VODKA, people. Craploads and craploads of vodka.

But seriously, be safe, keep your wits about you, and take care of yourself and your loved ones. And if you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!