The BEST e-learning schedule I have EVER seen

Question. Is anyone else getting tired of e-learning? ME!! ME!!!! I am!!! FYI, I’m raising my hand so F’ing high it’s touching the ceiling. Oh my gawwwddd, the constant questions, the impossible math, the messy science projects.

I mean don’t get me wrong, the teachers are doing a totally kickass job, but I am not cut out for this. That is why YOU chose to be teachers and I did not. Because you are awesome and I suck at this. So anyways, I have decided I need a change, so I’m writing my own lesson plan. And because I’m not a selfish a-hole, I’m sharing it with you. Let THIS be tomorrow’s e-learning assignment for your kids. You’re welcome:

Math

Your mom’s coffee sat out and got cold. She put it in the microwave for 30 seconds but she got distracted and it sat in there and got cold again. It will need to be heated for another 45 seconds. How many seconds in all will the coffee have been heated in the microwave? Show your work by actually microwaving the coffee and bringing it to her.

Reading 

Read the instructions EVERY time. Like actually read them and pay attention to what it’s saying and do NOT just tell a parent you don’t understand what you’re supposed to do. READ the instructions. This is your reading assignment. 

Snacktime

Get one. On your own. Something healthy. Or not. Whatever.

Scavenger Hunt

Find the following items and bring them to your mom: scissors, string, tape, cups, spatulas, phone chargers and anything else you are hoarding in your room. 

P.E.

Every time you need help on your e-learning, stand up and walk to a parent to ask them for help. Do NOT scream for anyone. If you do this every single time you have a question, by the end of the day you will have walked over five miles.   

Science

Add cold water to a pot.

Put the pot on a hot burner (be careful!).

Notice how the heat energy is transferring to the water.

What happens when the molecules have too much energy to stay connected as a liquid? Record your findings in your notebook.  

What happens when you add pasta to the pot? Record your findings in your notebook.  

What does the substance turn into when you add cheesy sauce? Record your findings in your notebook.  

Eat lunch and record your findings in your notebook. Or don’t. Whatever.

Art

Draw a pretty picture and slide it under the bathroom door where your mom is hiding. Do not knock, do it quietly, then sneak away.

Music

Take a shower and sing three songs while you’re in there. Use soap. And wash all the stinky body parts.

History

Yesterday your sibling started to make a repetitive annoying sound and you asked them to stop. They didn’t stop and just started doing it even more. You started screaming at them at the top of your lungs and they started screaming and crying. This was how World War 3 began. Your mom tried to negotiate a truce but it didn’t go well and she entered the war too. Everything ended when she accidentally dropped the F-bomb on everyone. There were many casualties and nobody won. We must learn from history so it will not repeat itself.  

Spanish

Dale a tu madre una cervesa por favor.

Reading (Assignment 2)

Go watch whatever TV shows you normally watch but turn on closed captioning.

Well, look at that lesson plan! Apparently I CAN be a teacher!! Maybe this e-learning is actually better than I thought. 

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There are 11 comments for this article
  1. Kathleen at 11:56 am

    Ok, I am a teacher. And this is genius! I’m going to actually have hot coffee now (well, after I buy a new Keurig because mine just died from over use … and I am now dying inside).

  2. Colleen Dougherty- Koulentes at 9:07 pm

    Love this. Austin never reads the instructions. This was proven when I asked him to make Mac n cheese the other day. He did not strain it before putting in the cheese. It was gross.

    • Nicki Dawkins at 1:24 pm

      My daughter did similar. She didn’t pay attention to how long she boiled it. There was some extra chewing going on.

  3. Nicki Dawkins at 1:23 pm

    Have you been living at my house? Because this ALL applies. I will now have hot coffee and fed children. You are a blessing.

  4. George at 11:48 pm

    You still f’ing rock, Karen! Keep up these amazingly funny nerwsletters! I loved this wsdcedule — I think we’ll be trying some of these with my son tomorrow. . .

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