We went into lockdown on March 13th and almost immediately Zoey asked the question that was bothering her the most. “Will this be finished by my birthday?” And I knew the answer. No. It broke my heart to tell her. I mean Zoey literally starts thinking about her next birthday party the second her last birthday party is over.
ZOEY: Mom, I’m thinking about having a trampoline birthday party.
ME: Better start planning now because you only have 364 days, you know.
When it comes to kids, birthdays are a BIG F’ing deal. And if your kiddo is having one during the quarantine, get ready to compensate. To OVERcompensate. And since I already went through it and now know WTF to do (and not do), here’s how to make sure your kiddo has the best dang quarantine birthday ever:
Plan ahead, WAY ahead
Seriously people, I’m usually the mom who’s ordering stuff off Amazon a day or two before, but these days Amazon’s taking way longer to ship “non-essential” stuff. Helllllloooo, Amazon, don’t you know, it is F’ing essential that I don’t break my kid’s heart!
The Car Parade
The most special awesome part of quarantine birthday is the car parade, and the longer the parade, the longer the fun lasts. Classmates, teammates, relatives, neighbors, that random person without a last name in your phone and you’re like who the F is that? Seriously, send the invite to everyone you know. No one has anything fun to do right now so they’ll be happy to join.
Text them all very specific directions. “Line up at the corner of Banana Street and Kumquat Avenue facing East at 2:50PM. The parade will drive down the street at 3:00 with your passenger window facing the birthday girl’s house and then loop around the block and do a second drive-by.” Bonus points for including a map! The birthday family then stands outside and basks in the glory while the people drive by screaming and honking and playing loud birthday music and sticking their heads out the sunroof. It’s as fun for the parade people as it is for the birthday kid!
You know those totally kickass birthday signs and balloon sculptures you’re seeing in people’s yards during the quarantine? A. They’re expensive as shit (but yay, it’s supporting a small local business!), and B. Order EARLY!! I did not. I snoozed, I losed. Which is why there is no cool picture here. Like if you have a birthday to celebrate in August, order it now.
Go bananas with other decorations
If you’re like me and don’t get the very impressive yard decorations, you’re gonna have to pull out all the stops somewhere else. Voila!!
It’s less than $20 but order well ahead of time! (P.S. I’m an Amazon Associate. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.)
A fun morning surprise
Put on your creative thinking caps people. Is there some way to surprise your kiddo the second they wake up in the morning? Like Zoey got a new comforter from her Grandpa so while she was sleeping I crept into her room like a ninja and replaced her old covers with the new ones.
Or a couple of people on my page shared some totally kickass other ideas!! You’re gonna need a crapload of balloons so order your balloons and streamers now so you don’t forget!!
Not just presents, the RIGHT presents!!!
The trick to creating an awesome quarantine birthday is figuring out presents they’re gonna love WHILE they’re stuck at home this summer. I went with in-line skates and Zoey has been wearing them constantly. And since you can literally look at a child’s foot really close and see it growing, some of the skates on Amazon even adjust to grow with your kids! Genius!!
P.S. Since it’s way more fun to open wrapped presents and you actually have a crapload of time to wrap them right now, don’t forget to order wrapping paper. Amazon has LOTS of cute ones.
This is is the time to support your local business and your local stomachs!!! We ordered dinner from Zoey’s favorite restaurant and I made sure to order every single fried side they have. It is a special occasion, people. And of course you need a cake! I ordered ours from Dairy Queen, pulled up, and they just plopped it in the trunk. Of course, then I had to play a fierce game of Jenga to find a place for it in our freezer. Oh yeah, and I asked DQ not to make it too girly so they made it pink and purple with mermaid tails popping out of it. WTF?
I’m pretty sure she’s wishing she has a quarantine birthday again next year. Not.
And that’s how you throw a quarantine birthday so your kid doesn’t hate you forever and ever and be scarred for life because their birthday sucked more than a Dyson. In fact, it may just be the best dang birthday they ever had!
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