So this morning I was driving to pick up the groceries, after I took Zoey to the ice skating rink, after I made sure the kids were fed and had their lunches and backpacks all ready for school, and I had this bad feeling about myself. I was feeling very unaccomplished.
DID YOU JUST HEAR EVERYTHING I DID?!!!
And yet I was feeling UNaccomplished.
It’s like all my adult life I’ve said that being a stay-at-home-mom is one of the hardest jobs on earth, and yet lately as my kids have been getting older, I’m feeling like my “job” isn’t a full-time job anymore. Like it used to take up 24 hours a day (17 if you count sleeping which I don’t because my little douchenuggets were constantly needing me in the middle of the night), but now that they’re older, they’re taking up less of my time.
And I’m having a feeling I haven’t experienced in over 12 years.
Like Holden will be at soccer practice and Zoey will be locked in her room being tweenagery, and suddenly I’ll be standing in the middle of the kitchen going now what do I do?
I’ll start sorting through the stack of mail and there’s a random catalog called Garnet Hill and I’m leafing through it and suddenly something occurs to me. I don’t even know WTF this catalog is and I’m not going to actually buy anything, so I just wasted like ten minutes. Now what?
Oh I know! I’ll start doing a few hobbies to fill my time. Like decorating cakes and playing tennis. And now when I say let’s do lunch to a friend, I don’t mean it in a let’s-say-we’re-gonna-do-lunch-and-never-actually-do-it kinda way.
The OLD me: Let’s do lunch.
FRIEND: Yes, let’s!
The NEW me: Let’s do lunch at 12:00 on October 6 at the sushi place.
FRIEND: Wait, like actually do it?
But even though I’m having fun with these new hobbies, they don’t feel like enough. At the end of the day, I’m still feeling UNaccomplished.
It’s like for the past 12 years I’ve been the CEO of a busy family, and now I’ve been demoted to chauffeur. And in 3.5 years Zoey will get her driver’s license and I’ll lose my chauffeur job too.
So is this when I tell you I’m going back into the corporate world? No F’ing way. I mean sure I would love a regular paycheck again, but A. I don’t know what job I would do that would make me happy. B. My resume has like six inches of dust on it. And C. I remember how I felt at the end of my working days—unaccomplished AND pissed off.
I wish I had some career I loved that I could go back to, but I don’t. Am I jealous of my friends who love their jobs? Absolutely. And maybe I could have found a different career if I hadn’t stayed home with the kids all these years, but honestly, I don’t regret it AT ALL. I’ve loved my time at home with them and I count my blessings I was able to.
So now what?
I wish I had some magic way of tying up this post to tell you I have a plan. I don’t. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s okay to feel bored. That working a 24-hour-a-day job for 12 years has earned me some downtime. And it has. But I need more. More of “what” is the question.
More than getting excited because I hear the squeak of the mailbox. More than running to Target just because I have time to. More than developing a better backhand on the tennis court. More than schlepping my douchenuggets to and from 9000 activities.
More of something that’s going to make me feel accomplished. I’ll let you know what that is when I figure it out. If I figure it out. In the meantime, it’s off to Amazon to see if I can order myself a chauffeur hat!
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