A Letter to My Kids’ Teachers

Dear Mr. or Ms. Badass,

Yeah, I know that’s not really your name, but I’m calling you that. Because you, my friend, are amazing. Wait, that doesn’t do your amazingness justice. You, are SOOO F’ING AMAAAAAZINGGGGGG!!!!!!

Yeah, I know I probably shouldn’t curse to my kid’s teacher, so give me a detention or suspend me or whatever you want to do about it, but I’m done pussy-footing around. I mean I run into you at school or in the carpool line and I’m all tongue-tied like a love-struck pubescent boy and you probably think I don’t have vocal chords or something, but I actually do. I’m just a mom who is speechless with gratitude.

I mean let’s just talk about what you do for a minute. You watch other people’s crotchfruit allllllll day long. Yeah, like WE had sex, WE got knocked up, WE brought some little a-holes into this world, but YOU take care of them more hours in the day than WE do. Seriously, I just did the math. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, taking care of TWENTY little kids all day is pretty much akin to Chinese water torture, only instead of drops of water dripping on your face over and over again until your forehead looks like a donut, you’re bombarded with snot and boogers and lice and drool and annoying questions and if their fingers aren’t up their nose to the second knuckle, their hands are up their shorts doing God knows what to some other orifice. And even after all that, you still love the little boogersnots and take care of them better than their own parents do half the time.

Like when Zoey comes down the stairs in the morning wearing polkadot pants with striped legwarmers with a furry vest over a red silk kimono, here’s what goes through my head: WTF are you wearing? But here’s what you say: Wow, look at that kid’s fierce independence. And either you truly believe it or you’re such a good actor YOU should be giving Jack Nicholson acting lessons.

And speaking of the arts, you tell me all about this amazing picture Holden drew at the art table and how it’s so awesome and how I should definitely frame it and you are so full of praise you clearly think my kiddo is a future Picasso. And then he takes it out of his folder to show me and it’s a piece of paper with a line on it, like it looks like he accidentally hit a piece of paper with a crayon. Like you could give a starfish a crayon and he would do the same thing. But you really truly genuinely think it’s awesome.

And then Holden has to put the drawing back into his folder and the folder back into his backpack and you stand there watching and watching and watching like you have allllllll afternoon and he can take as much time as he needs to get it in there, while in my head I’m screaming, “Oh for the love of Gawdddd, just shove the F’ing folder into the F’ing backpack so we can leave already!!!!” And then when he finally finishes you’re like, “Good job, buddy, see you tomorrow.” And I’m like, “It is tomorrow. That’s how long we’ve been standing here waiting for him.” Anyways, you….. are…… so….. patient….. it…… never…… ceases….. to……..amaze……me.

But I guess you have to be when you’re constantly waiting for twenty kids to go to the potty and wash their hands and eat their snacks and put their jackets on and put their backpacks away, etc etc etc. It’s a miracle you have time to teach them anything. And yet every day they come home and they’ve learned something new about math or reading or Modigliani or ovapurous oviporus oviparous animals (I still don’t know WTF this is).

So thank you. Thank you for loving my children. Thank you for thinking they’re awesome. Thank you for dealing with the shit that comes out of their orifices, literally and figuratively. Thank you for doing it all for way too little compensation. Thank you for making them smarter. Thank you for making them smarter than me. Sorry, than I. Yeah, my own Mr. or Ms. Badass taught me that a long time ago.

Love and kisses,

A mom who worships the ground you walk on

Teachers are F’ing AWESOME, so don’t forget to like this and share it with your favorite teachers!! And check out my new book I Want My Epidural Back!! This is just ONE of FIFTY-FIVE chapters in it. Plus, a crapload of hilarious pictures and quips to make you laugh. Available in hardcover and eBook in these places and everywhere books are sold!! Plus, if you click on this link, you can order a FREE bookplate with my signature to go in your new book!! Yayyyy!!!