How to decorate your kid’s locker CHEAPLY and still make it look badass

So every year I arrive at school for “meet the teacher” and it’s the same thing. A ton of moms show up with their giant Container Store bags full of fancy shit to decorate their daughter’s lockers. And this year was no different. I watched multiple moms deck out their kids’ lockers with wallpaper, carpeting, mirrors, twinkle lights, fancy magnets, white boards, magnetic pencil holders, chandeliers (that actually light up!!), etc etc etc etc. I mean come onnnnn, seriously, people??!! It’s the second grade!!!

Last year I was like, “Zoey, if you want to decorate your locker, go for it.” So she created her own kickass chandelier out of pipe cleaners.

But this year she’s older and wanted the REAL thing. So I splurged and surprised her with something. One $16 item. It’s fancy, it lights up and as soon as I pulled it out of my purse and gave it to her, she was sooo excited and grateful.

… until another girl ran up and bragged that she had the same one, PLUS a LOT of other stuff that Zoey didn’t have. Zoey took one look at the other girl’s locker and her face fell.

ZOEY: Lucky duck.

OMG, how I wanted to yell at the other girl and tell her to stop bragging. Because A. Zoey was damn proud of her chandelier. And B. guess what a lot of the other kids had? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Because there’s no memo that goes out to warn the other moms that there is going to be a big impromptu locker decorating competition. And even if there was, some moms don’t have time for this kind of shit.

I mentioned it to one of my friends whose kid goes to a different school and she told me that her school actually banned locker decorating because it had gotten so out of hand. Part of me thought that was a great idea, but another part of me was like ahhhh yes, one more way we’re turning our kids into wussies. I mean when I see someone pull up in the carpool line in a fancy car I don’t whine, “Wahhhh, it’s not fair, I want a Tesla too!! We need to ban them!” Seeing other people have shit that you don’t have is actually a huge part of life.

Anyways, after the girl rubbed her fancy locker in Zoey’s face, Zoey asked me if she could put more stuff in her own locker to decorate it, and you might be surprised by what I said.

ME: If YOU want to decorate it, Zoey, go for it.

And then she asked if she could buy some decorations with her own money.

ME: Do you mean can you earn some money and then choose to spend it on something that’s important to you? F yeah!! That, kiddo, is what they call learning how to be a hard-working human being.

Because this whole locker decorating fuckstravaganza is actually an AWESOME opportunity for parents to teach their kids an important lesson. There’s always gonna be someone who has more than you. Some of them earn it, and some of them are given it on a silver platter. Some of them are nice about it, and some of them are a-holes. All that matters is how you act when you see someone with more shit than you.

Do you make a pouty face and say no fair and stomp away (Zoey’s first reaction)? Or do you say, “I’m gonna work my tush off so I can earn that shit too” (Zoey’s reaction after I glared at her and said I can easily take that chandelier back to the store)?

So Zoey opened up her wallet that night and we went to the Dollar Tree, where she bought a $1 white board and a $1 shower caddy to hang on the locker hook, and then she loaded it up with alllll sorts of decorations (aka crap) from home. Plus, a bunch of old magnets from our fridge and Lego posters she stole from her bedroom walls.

I was sooooo F’ing proud of her. Not proud of her locker. Proud of HER.

So on Parent night when she wasn’t with me, I surprised her with a little practical joke. I bought magnetic sheets of printer paper for like $10 (did you know they make this now?!!!!), and I did a google image search for “funny animals” and I printed out a shitload of hilarious magnets to add to her locker.

When she opened it up at school the next morning, SURPRISE!!! She thought it was hilarious. Well, except for the one magnet with a picture of a naked gecko. I’m like what do you mean he’s naked? He’s a lizard. Of course he’s not wearing clothes. But whatever, throw that one out if you don’t like it. I just want you to be happy.

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And don’t forget to check out my new book I Want My Epidural Back!! It is HIGH-larious. At least my mom says it is. And so do over 200 other people on Amazon. And I didn’t even pay them to.