February 21, 1991 My alarm clock goes off for the third time and this time I don’t push snooze. I open my eyes and I’m staring at a poster of The Cure straight above me. My entire room is literally covered in posters wall-to-wall because my mom lets me put thumbtacks anywhere I want. The…
So the other day I’m getting dressed and Zoey’s staring at me and I’m about to slam the closet door shut before she says anything about my butt or my boobs or fur, when suddenly she asks… ZOEY: Mom, can I pick out what you wear today? ME: Ummmm– I mean sometimes I can’t decide…
Uggghhhh, here we go. So lately Zoey has started using the word “popular.” I mean I always knew it would come up at some point, but I didn’t know it’d be in the 4th grade. ZOEY: She’s one of the popular girls, Mom. ME: The popular girls? What does that mean?
So I’m giving Holden a bath the other night when suddenly I hear Zoey screaming bloody murder from the other room. I can’t tell you how many times this happens in our house on a daily basis. Because she stubs her toe, or she can’t fix her pants that are inside-out, or she finds one…
We don’t do Valentine’s Day gifts. Nope nope nope, never have never will. When we first started dating it was right before Valentine’s Day, so we agreed to do pizza on the couch and NO GIFTS because WTF do you get someone for V-Day when you’ve just started dating. Anyways, fast forward to last week…
This is the year! I am 100% committed to all of my New Year’s resolutions!! By March I’m going to have beautiful skin, less anxiety, respect at the carpool line, and be one of those women who’s so skinny I have to worry about my cell phone accidentally falling between my thighs into the toilet.…
Ummmm, can I just brag for a minute? So Zoey wanted her room redone and I get it. I mean we painted her room pepto bismol pink when she was 2 and like two days later she decided pink is the ugliest color on earth. But here’s the thing, there’s no F’ing way am I…
This weekend sucked. Wait, no it was great. Wait, no it sucked. Shit, I can’t decide. Okay, so here’s what happened. I took Zoey sledding and if you look at the pictures and the videos on social media you’re gonna think it was the most spectacular Mommy-daughter day ever. But that’s a lie. Because here’s the…
ME: Hey buddy, how was the field trip?! HOLDEN: Boring.
Okay, so this is no secret, but I’m not a huge fan of guns. Don’t get me wrong, I come from Texas where most of my friends owned plenty of guns and I’m not trying to take away people’s gun rights, and I think there are perfectly reasonable reasons to own a gun. But honestly…