So every year I arrive at school for “meet the teacher” and it’s the same thing. A ton of moms show up with their giant Container Store bags full of fancy shit to decorate their daughter’s lockers. And this year was no different. I watched multiple moms deck out their kids’ lockers with wallpaper, carpeting, mirrors, twinkle lights,…
Dear Amy Schumer, So last week we went on vacation. Nothing fancy. Just a place that’s driving distance so I can over-pack twice as much crap as we need into my disgusting minivan, and avoid the TSA lines because TSA lines with kids is basically like traveling to hell to get an enema with tobasco…
Play dates are AWESOME… if (and this is a BIG if) IF the kid plays nicely with your kid without too much intervention. Because some kids are super easy and you’re able to get shit done around the house while they play, but some kids make your life a living hell until they leave and you…
Ding!! Ding ding!! Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!!! Holy crap, WHAT is going on? Why the heck is my phone going crazy and getting flooded with text messages? Seriously, I put it down for 14 seconds in the other room and now there are 74 messages. I wish I were kidding.…
So back in the day before I had kids, I used to read semi-intellectual stuff. The New York Times, JD Salinger books, other things that I can’t remember because my brain is fried. But nowadays, I read fun shit. Like People magazine. Yup, pretty much every day I get a good case of the FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome)…
Okay little buddy. You know how you’re always saying you want to marry me? Well, if anything ever happens to your Daddy, I’m all about it. But let’s just say things go according to plan and your Daddy and I both grow old together until he has one of those saggy old men butts and…
Step right up, step right up and play the newest game on the market– The Mommy Game!! It’s fun, it’s therapeutic, and best of all, it’s free!!! How to play… Every time someone says Mommy, take a drink. Every time you have to use someone’s middle name, take a drink. Every time someone says wipe…
Dear A-hole, I know you think you are sooooo cool. Or dope. Or badass. Or whatever word the teenagers are using these days. But let me tell you something. You are the complete OPPOSITE of cool. Why on earth would you think driving a million miles per hour down a residential street is impressing anyone?…
Okay, so for the past two years I’ve been attaching badges to Zoey’s Girl Scout vest, and while some of them are awesome, some of them make me go SERIOUSLY??? Did she seriously just earn a badge that says “movie night?” because the last time I checked, watching a movie really wasn’t all that difficult. Anyways, every time…
I know what you’re probably thinking. WTF, Baby Sideburns, didn’t you see that documentary about what they did to orcas? Yes, yes I did. And my hubby and I consciously decided NOT to take our kids to Sea World when we went to Orlando. And then a few weeks ago I got an