The Cockini–because apparently the fig leaf was too much coverage

Agggghhhh, my eyes my eyes! I think I’m blind! I just saw a picture of an old man wearing this, uhhh, dare I say bathing suit, and now I close my eyes and I still see the image of his wrinkly naked body on the back of my eyelids. I’m scarred for life. Seriously, the person who sent me this picture owes me money for therapy.


Lucky for you, the all-powerful Google says I can’t post the old man picture, so here’s the product just lying there all limp. Yup, a guy stretches it over his package and wears it to the beach so he’s covered up and not a total exhibitionist. Even though he kind of is. Well, not kind of. He is. Can you imagine seeing this on the beach? Ewwwww. Or worse if it were really crowded and he brushed up against you in it? Blaggggghhhhh! I seriously just hurled in my mouth a little. Anyways, I don’t even know where to begin with this product, but here goes:

1. Hey, honey, which bathing suit should I wear to the pool party? The one with the Hawaiian flowers or the one that’s the shape of my peeper?

2. What is the least attractive thing a man can wear? A condom. Yeah, let’s make a bathing suit that looks like a condom!

3. WTF do you call this thing? A peeper cover? A wiener suit? A cockini? I’d really like to know because for the life of me I can’t find them on Amazon or anywhere else. And something tells me I’m gonna want one (or TWO!!!) come Father’s Day.

4. At first I’m looking at this and thinking the fluorescent green one seems like the worst color choice, and then I’m thinking no, yellow seems really bad for some reason. And then I’m surprised that it comes in not ONE but TWO shades of pink?! Well, they say only men who are truly comfortable with their manliness wear pink, but I say men who are truly comfortable with their manliness wear pink cockinis. 

5. And here’s another thought about color. If a black man wears the black one or a white man wears the peach one, it totally gets camouflaged. Wait, is that guy naked? Holy shit! Oh no wait, he’s wearing a peeper cover. For a minute I was worried there.

6. I assume they only come in L and XL because no man with a small peeper is wearing this, right? Or can’t you just picture the sale rack in the store and the XS section is all full of cockinis that no one bought?

7. Whoa whoa whoa, didn’t EVERYONE see the Seinfeld episode about shrinkage? I mean, seriously? Is this what you want to be wearing in the water? Or rather, this is what you want to be wearing when you come out of the cold water? I guess whatever floats your boat. Or shrinks your dink.

8. So technically speaking do you call the bulbous part the ball-sack or do you call it the ball-sack sack? Just curious.

9. Let’s just say that if Channing Tatum won’t look good in it, no one will.

10. Okay, let me leave you with this parting image. Just picture someone trying to take it off when it’s wet. Sorry. Bring on the comments.

There are 15 comments for this article
  1. Bitty at 8:44 pm

    My husband has something similar a friend of ours gave him. Only it’s fuzzy leopard print. It’s actually pretty cute in a bedroom context. lol

  2. Manjari at 10:15 pm

    My jaw literally dropped. Ten flies could have flown in there.

  3. Hurler at 11:38 pm

    “Gag” being the operative word here, of course…

  4. Sarah at 11:08 am

    “Especially private cover designed for men” That is as private as a glass house in Times Square…. just sayin’

  5. Pingback: WTF Wednesday
  6. Geri at 7:35 pm

    Huh. Seeing as how Ive never seen a black man the same color as the black one I dont see how it would b camouflaged. Just know all black men arent the same color. My hubby is a nice caramel color.

    • Ryane at 9:27 am

      They’d be cut off if she’d designed them! LMBO ;o)

  7. carolynwing at 11:28 am

    Men always feel they are larger than they really are!!! How would they return for a smaller size?

  8. Laura at 2:36 pm

    Once upon a time I didn’t know these things existed. How I long for those good old days . . . 😉
    (Sorry you had to witness one being modeled, even if it was just a picture.)
    Glad I found your blog, though. Makes it all worth it to have seen that picture. 😉 Looking forward to reading more!

  9. One Funny Motha at 9:51 am

    I actually saw one of these live and in person on a beach in Puerto Rico a few years ago. I didn’t know what the hell just happened. And his (the crazy old man strolling the beach) was in neon. NEON! B/c being practically naked doesn’t bring enough attention. Now the world may get their hands on a Cockini.