Yo Rug Rat, Keep Your Damn Food In Your Mouth

Dear Baby Sideburns,

Our 2.5 year old daughter keeps spitting her food and juice on the floor and in her toys. We have tried everything. I want to kill her lol. Have you ever encountered this and how did you handle it? I’m going fucking crazy lol. Thanks for keeping me sane with everything I’m thinking but don’t want to say! You’re wonderful.


Dear Liz,

Based on the last two words of your message, I can tell that you’re brilliant, which makes me wonder why the hell you’re asking for MY advice. I mean my toddler throws tantrums constantly and my daughter keeps scratching her

butt and then her finger smells like poo.

But if you still want to know what I think, here goes. Can your kiddo drive herself to the grocery store and buy her own groceries? No? Well, then basically you are in control of whether she lives or starves to death. So the next time she decides to spit out crap, this is what you do. You take her food and drink away. WARNING: she might turn into Cujo for a few minutes, but stay strong. You tell her she’s not getting it back until she promises not to spit it out again. Then give it back. If she spits again, she loses it permanently. That’s right, the meal is over for her.

Now I know this is gonna suck for you and it’s totally going to feel like you are starving her to death, but really you’re teaching her how to be an awesome human being and not a fartface. Unless she does this like 17 meals in a row, in which case I’m sorry, she might starve to death and die and you’ll be one of those crazy parents they show on the news at night. Hope you look good in orange!


Baby Sideburns

There are 5 comments for this article
  1. Wayne at 8:14 am

    does does this work for pets as well? My over-pampered, under loved, mongrel makes a point of bringing his dry chunk dog food to my location, one piece at a time, laying it on the carpet, and nosing it around for a few seconds before finally making a great show of open-mouth crunching, reducing the single chunk into 90% of a bite swallowed and the other 90% scattered over an unbelievably large expanse readily found by bare feet until I have to vacuum the next month.

    A friend suggested I feed him boiled turnip greens but I told him I didn’t think Stub(born) the wonder dog (It’s a wonder I haven’t turned him into a reddish-brown pair of slippers!) would eat boiled turnip greens and he said his dog wouldn’t eat them for about a week!

    I’d feed him outside but the kids keep beating him to the dish; at least they won’t leave the bowl to eat the stuff!

    Disgusted, dismayed, and disagreeable

  2. Nik at 9:48 pm

    Hahahahaha. “I hope you look good in orange”! BS you are brilliant!

  3. Headless Lego Mom at 3:44 am

    My 3 1/2 year old just likes to spit on the floor. I put a little vinegar on a paper towel and put it to her mouth and now I can usually get her to stop by saying I am going to go get the vinegar. I read it somewhere on the internet in a forum that was mostly speaking of younger toddlers spitting habits. Seems to work most of the time, but she comprehends what she is doing and the consequence she doesn’t want. I am not sure if your 2 1/2 is old enough to understand well enough for that to work.

  4. Headless Lego Mom at 3:48 am

    PS- I only put the vinegar to her mouth ONE TIME and it worked like a charm.

    I think the key is to try to find out WHY she is spitting out her food and drink. Did she get a horrendous reaction out of you that amused her? A lot of times, toddler will repeat bad behavior over and over again if someone reacts in a way that amuses them even if it is out of anger/disgust. A funny sound or face is like a gossip column for some little hooligans.

  5. Lacalema at 3:04 am

    I hate to be the one to bring science into this funny s**t…. But, your kid may be a supertaster (google it). Your spit monster may be tasting a whole rainbow of crap that’s nasty. Try bland food.