Okay, so in the past month I think I’ve gotten no fewer than 6,000,000 requests to write something on this weird product called the Shewee. Now if you don’t know what the Shewee is, good. I think that makes you normal. You can click on this link and check it out. It’s basically this plastic tube thingie you can put up to your hoo-ha to make it easier to pee in public places just like the way a guy pees. Yes siree Bob, call it what you will, a Shewee, a cock for your cockpit, a burrito for your taco, whatever you want, alls I know is whenever I think of a plastic peeper for my cooter, I’m thinking about something with batteries and this ain’t it. Let’s just say if a plastic peeper is getting near my hoo-ha, it’s not gonna be pointed away from it.
But hey, this totally would have come in handy when I was 21 and peeing in alleys (uhhh, not that I ever did that). Like every time I’d squat down to pee, hypothetically speaking of course, the pee seemed to be going in a straight shot until suddenly it would veer to the side and get attached to my leg and basically pour in a steady stream right into my pants, so then it just looked like I peed in my pants. Which I didn’t. I peed ON my pants. But still, even with said urine stream running down my leg, I can’t say I would have ever carried the Shewee around in my purse.
Like for starters who the hell would want something that was covered in urine in your purse? I know what some of you are thinking. That at least urine is sterile. Well, I’ve got news for you. Urine is not sterile. Urine is urine.
And what if someone saw it in there?
FRIEND: Heyyy, is that a test tube in your purse? I didn’t know you were into science.
ME: Uhh, no, that’s my fake peeper. What, you don’t have one?
Annnnd cue the Facebook unfriend button.
And do you know what they call this kind of device (because yes, there are like tons of brands that makes these thingies)? They call it a FUD. And for those of you who are idiots like myself and do not know what that stands for, it stands for Female Urination Device. Ewwwwwww. Here are some words that rhyme with FUD. Mud, dud, cud, thud, crud. See? Pretty much anything that ends with “ud” is a bad thing.
So no, I will never wear a FUD. And if I did I’d be laughing so hard the pee would just fly everywhere and I’d end up splatter-painting the whole bathroom with an abstract urine painting. Which would be worth a lot one day when I’m famous, but currently is worth shit. Now that’s irony when a urine painting is worth shit.
Plus, if I used a FUD the woman in the stall next to me would be like WTF when hears me peeing but sees my feet pointing toward the potty (ugggh, I hate when I use little kid words when I’m speaking to adults). So I can either A. Wait until I’m sure she’s left the bathroom so she doesn’t find out I was the one next to her who was facing the toilet while I peed. Or B. I’d have to start talking really loud about my FUD so she doesn’t think I’m a transvestite using the ladies room.
ME: (LOUDLY SO EVERYONE IN THE BATHROOM CAN HEAR) This is totally awesome using this female urination device on my vajayjay so I can pee standing up facing the toilet even though I’m a woman with a vajayjay!!!
And WTF do I do if my kids are in the restroom with me (which they ALWAYS are) where they constantly watch me do everything? EVERYTHING. If they thought tampons were weird, they’re going to shit a brick when they see Mommy whip out her fake schlong to take a leak. No thank you. I’d rather heli-pee over the gross public toilet and then explain to them why I’m hovering over the toilet while I pee. Plus, heli-peeing is basically the only workout I get these days anyway.
Then again, if we were traveling far or something, it’s nice to know I’d always have a funnel in case I needed to add more oil to my car. Or to funnel a beer if the kiddos were driving me bonkers. Nahhh, still not worth it.
Anyways, last but not least, here’s some more shit that cracks me up about the Shewee. Guess what the tagline is. “Be who you are.” SAY WHAT??!!! Be who you are? Because the way I see it, you’re a woman trying to be a man when you pop on the Shewee. If you were being who you are, you would be peeing sitting down using the wonderful genitalia you were born with. A vajayjay. A nice, tidy, tucked away, never veiny or erect at the wrong time, hard to pee with in public places but still lovely nonetheless vajayjay. Say that five times quickly.
And that’s all I have to say about the Shewee. But I have lots more shit I want to say about lots more shit, so please subscribe here so you don’t miss any great shit. Thanks!