Okay, so Zoey just got her first (and hopefully last) American Girl Doll as a gift, and let me say this. HOLYYYYY SHIT am I in the WRONG business. I mean you know how they say a house is $XX per square foot? I think they should do the same for these dolls. This is Isabelle. She’s wearing a lovely floral frock that is $12 per square inch. Not really, but damn, this is more expensive than a meth habit. Not that I know how much a meth habit costs.
So a little while ago Zoey and Holden’s great grandparents were coming to visit and they asked me to buy presents for the kids so they wouldn’t have to schlep them on the plane.
GRANDMA SHIRLEY: Karen dear, can you find some things the kids want for about $100 each and I’ll pay you back?
ME: No problemo, Granny.
So I used the money to get myself a massage and then I hit the dollar store for the kids. Kidding. I didn’t even think about doing that. Reallllly I didn’t. But guess what I ended up getting them. Beds!! Yup, Zoey got a bed for $125 and Holden got a bed for $100. Awesome! Only here’s the thing. Zoey’s bed was for an 18-inch plastic doll. And Holden’s was for a 37-inch real live human being.
I shit you not. The bed that was for a plastic doll was MORE expensive than the bed that was for my real live human son. But I guess it’s worth it because Isabelle the doll has slept in it every single night, and day, and basically around the clock because Zoey hardly ever plays with her. Thank God she has a comfy expensive bed to sleep in while she’s being neglected.
Anyways, now that I bought some piece of shit, uhhh, I mean this lovely canopy bed from American Girl Doll, they must think we’re millionaires or something because they keep sending us catalogs, and the other day I opened one up to see if maybe there’s a reason I should cash in our 401K to buy some more of their shit. On page 7 of the catalog, I found this lovely number.
A beeeeautiful 16-inch bicycle for a mere $115. Well, of course it’s expensive, according to the description it has faux-wood handlebars. Not just any old wood– FAUX wood. Huh, I wonder what faux wood is. Could it be, hmmm, let me see, umm, maybe plastic? Yes, in American Girl Doll world, it’s faux-wood. In the real world, we call that brown plastic. So I went looking on ToysRUs.com to see whether they have any bikes with faux-wood that I could compare it to. Hey, looky, here’s one!
Awwwwseome, this bike has a bunch of green faux-wood on it. Oh, and it’s $25 cheaper. AND it’s life-sized AND it has an extra seat for a doll AND it can take a real live child TO places. As in, it is ACTUAL transportation that works. But I’m not gonna make a judgment call based on just one item, so let’s flip a little deeper into the American Girl Doll catalog. Page 65. Mmmmmm, breakfast.
Wait, WHAT? $58?! For miniature food I can’t even eat! That’s over $3 per piece. I shit you not, I did the math and that minuscule fork (get out your magnifying glass) is THREE DOLLARS. Which leads me to this.
This, my friends, is the Lumberjack Slam at Denny’s. It costs, drumroll please, $8.99!!! Yup, 49 bucks less for REAL food that can actually save your life if you are starving to death or on your way home from a frat party. But I know what you’re thinking. But but but, my daughter can use the American Girl Doll breakfast over and over and over again for years and years. Ennnh, wrongo, ‘cause each item is like a centimeter long and will most likely drop into a crack or fall into a vent or be sucked up into your Dyson when you accidentally step on that stupid $3 pitcher of OJ with bare feet and decide to purposely suck up that Medieval foot-torture device with your vacuum hose.
Okay, so you get the picture. But I think I’m gonna beat a dead horse. Here are just a few more American Girl Doll items I stumbled upon and had some thoughts about.
The description of this $75 horse says “this beautiful horse is sure to be a true friend.” Well, guess what. For $75, I can buy a stranger like 14 drinks at the local bar and make a true friend who can actually do shit. Like breathe and talk and drive me home if I’ve had one too many.
A vintage-style barrette card. My ass it is. It doesn’t even say American Girl Doll on it. How much you wanna bet they looted a defunct Woolworth’s and are selling their old barrettes for 60 times the price?
$110 for a tiny spa chair. $110!!! For $110 I can go to the real spa. So let me think about this, should I buy my kid a piece of plastic shit she’s going to lose all the pieces to or should I lie and tell my husband I have a doctor’s appointment and leave him with the rugrats so I can spend a luxurious afternoon at the spa? Hmmm, what a dilemma.
In case you don’t know what this is, this is a stand to prop up your American Girl Doll. And heyyy, it’s not too bad. Only 18 bucks. No, not bad at all. Unless, hmmm, I wonder if we already have something we can use in our house to prop up our doll. Oh awesome, I totally thought of something. Guess what our house came with. Walls!! And they’re free!!!
And last but not least, how on earth can your doll live without this? Her very own skiff!! That’s fancy for “a boat” in case you’re wondering. I looked it up.
I mean what else would she use to get around in the water. Wait, what’s that you say? You can’t put it in water? I shit you not. The description specifically says that you can’t put this boat in water. This ONE-HUNDRED-SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLAR boat is NOT waterproof. And no, that’s not a typo. It’s $175. But of course it is. After all, it comes with TWO itty-bitty oars AND a cloth sail, made of, get this, REAL cloth!!
Anyways, do I think American Girl Dolls are awesome for imaginative play? Hells yeah. But get this, imaginative play is even better when you don’t have every single little item you need and have to use your actual imagination. Do I think it’s really cool how girls are learning about history from these dolls? Sure. But I also know that history books are FREE at the library. And yes, I know this stuff is super cute and they didn’t have it all when we were kids, but if we resist buying all this faux-wood and pretend spa salts, I’m pretty sure we could feed all of the children in Africa. And that would be pretty cool.