Holy crap, did you guys hear who is ROYALLY pissed off?! Elsa. Yup, that snow queen is mad as hell because Disney decided to keep her single at the end of Frozen. I mean yeah she totally agrees that it’s cool to teach little girls that women don’t NEED a man to be happy, but no one ever asked her if she wanted to be the poster child for strong single women.
Not only did she get cursed with the ability to freeze everything she touches, but she also got stuck being the spinster sister. How the hell is that fair? I mean here she is sitting at home all alone on a Saturday night accidentally freezing the Lean Cuisine she just microwaved, while her sister Anna is off in Hawaii on a sexy honeymoon with a buff ice chipper.
Anyways, she’s taking it into her own hands now. She’s on the market and she’s come up with a kickass online dating profile. Check it out.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Or because I might accidentally turn your peeper into a popsicle if I take my gloves off in the bedroom. Some people think I’m a cold bitch, but really I’m just a girl with a cold spot in her bed that she’s trying to fill with a warm body.
I’m a night owl who likes long walks through the snow, ice-sculpting and singing infectious songs at the top of my lungs. I have a small family but we’re super close, and I’m very good at keeping a secret. I own my own castle with beautiful water views, but don’t ask me to go boating. Long story for another time. Plus, I have my very own ice rink if you’re into hockey.
What am I looking for? A man or woman (yeah, contrary to popular belief, all Disney princesses aren’t looking for a prince) who appreciates the winter. And not to sound too forward, but you must be okay with egg donation if you want to have children because I have a rare genetic disorder called Frosyndrome that I don’t want to pass along to my babies. I’m not a hugger so touchy people need not apply. And yes, I know I have that “come hither” look, but if I’m looking mad step back… unless you want to be the next icy centerpiece in an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Send me a PM if you’re interested. I’ll answer as long as my computer’s not frozen.