Dear kiddo, when you start to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing, just STFU

Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the holidays, Merry Christmas, and don’t say I never got you anything. Here’s a little something to share with your doubting hooligans:

Dear kid who’s starting to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing,

WTF are you thinking?! I mean, sure I get it. You’re all cool and savvy and think you know more than your lame-ass parents because you can text with both hands behind your back and know what ROFLMAO means. But before you make any sudden moves, let’s step back and think about this rationally.

You have two choices here. You can kick this whole Santa crap myth to the curb and break your parents’ hearts, orrrrrrrr you can milk it for all it’s worth. Let’s see what happens with each of these options:

1. Sayonara Santa: So you know that badass dirt bike you want for the holidays (or whatever the F it is kids want these days)? Go ahead, ask your parents for it. And watch how F’ing easy it is for them to say it’s too expensive or you’ll crack your head open. I don’t care how many times you say pretty please, you can pretty much kiss that two-wheeled dream of yours goodbye. Because now the gift is coming from them and not some mythical red-suited chubster who has unlimited funds and elves to make all that shit.

2. Milk it, baby, milk it: Dear Santa Claus, All year long I’ve been the best boy I could possibly be. Yes, sometimes I didn’t listen to my Mommy and Daddy but I feel so bad about that and I promise to be better next year. They say all they want is for me to be happy, so I hope you can buy me a dirt bike because it’s the only thing I want in the whole wide world. Oh, and a helmet so I can always ride safely. Love, Billy.

I’d like to see the momster and dadster shut that sentimental shit down. They’ll be so blind from tearing up, they might even buy you a Harley by mistake.

And you don’t have to stop there. If you can motivate your ass, maybe you can even start some new myth that will get you some other good stuff. Say something like, “Hey Mom, did you ever hear about the St. Patty’s Day Leprechaun (thank you spell check!) who goes to kids’ houses and leaves gold coins on the mantle? We’re like the only family who doesn’t do it.”

And I’ll bet your bottom dollar the second you leave the house your mom is all freaking out and jumping on the Internet to see where she can get gold coins. 

Capisce? Good. Mom and Dad are happy. You’re happy. It’s a win-win.

Nope, still believing in Santa by the time you’re a teenager doesn’t make you a loser. It makes you F’ing brilliant.



AGGGHHHHH, there’s only one week ’til Christmas and you still have people to buy shit for!!! Heyyyy, here’s a little something that everyone will like. Well, everyone without candy canes up their tush holes.


There are 6 comments for this article
  1. Melanie Nistal at 10:34 am

    I was smart, I milked it! I was 22 for my last Christmas at home with my parents and still got something from Santa 🙂 not much cause my husband was deployed but still 🙂 I love doing it for my son now!

  2. amy flett at 10:45 am

    I just told my kids that of course those other kids parents bought their gifts if u don’t believe you don’t receive! santa is far far to busy to be stopping at house of a kid who doesn’t believe in him and that ended it there but i tell ya it really really pissed me off when they broke the playstation and said ” mom, Why you freakin out?” its from SANTA we can just ask for a new 1 next year ! 😛 lol but lords knows I LOVE MY 4 HEMMIES as in hemmorhoids (how ever the F u spell it) Merry HO HO everyone

  3. melissa at 10:55 am

    Awesome. It makes it worth the retail BS to hope your kids will love the sh*t we spend your $ on. I just drove 60 miles to get the last Puppy Surprise (worlds creepiest toy). It was last one so it manhandled by about 1,000 kids already, so I had to check the stuffed animals uterus to make sure all the pieces were there. Thanks for the help Santa!

  4. Honest Mom at 11:06 am

    If you don’t believe in Santa, you don’t get gifts from Santa. Keep believing and you keep getting the loot. Pretty simple, kids. Keep riding the Santa train as loooooong as you can!

  5. Kimberly Sitarski Tinker at 12:34 pm

    Definitely MILK IT!! Also, my mom did the St. Patty’s day Leprechaun thing growing up. She would put a bunch of pennies and chocolate coins in baggies and hide them in the yard while we were at school. Meanwhile, I’m the mom that remembers to send Valentines cards at Easter and take my Christmas decorations down sometime after July 4th. :-/