What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they’re all so annoying, all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks ass, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get to the good stuff.

Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

This shit is for you. The top 10 Baby Sideburns approved presents to buy my kids this holiday:

1. A box. Yup, just a big ole cardboard box you can buy at the UPS Store down the street. Or better yet, steal from a dumpster, but please make sure it’s clean and doesn’t smell like pickle juice. You can spend your entire swear jar of money on a fabulous plastic playhouse (or as I like to call it, a bird-poop, spider-web magnet) and guess what the kids want to play with. The F’ing box it came in.

2. DVDs. Yes, I said that. Buying my kids a DVD they can zone out in front of is like giving me free babysitter coupons, but without the F’ing nanny cam. Plus, Dad’s never going to bone a copy of Finding Nemo.

3. Tampons. Moms back me up on this one. WTF is it with tampons that makes them so damn attractive to our rugrats? Not a month goes by that I don’t come into my bathroom and find my kids playing with them like they’re F’ing Lincoln logs. And just to be clear, I’m talking about wrapped, unused ones. ‘Cause if your kiddo’s playing with used ones (insert heebie jeebies emoticon here), it’s time to buy one of those R2D2 trashcans with a lid.

4. Toys WITH batteries. Because you know what batteries do? They die. And that’s a good thing. Because nine times out of ten you won’t replace them because you can never find your stupid miniature screwdriver made for a Liliputian (I have no idea if this is how you spell it) to open up where the batteries go, so the toy will remain SILENT FOREVER. Ask any mom what the best sound in the world is, and we’ll all say the same thing. Our kid’s laughter. But we’re all fucking lying. The best sound in the world is silence.

5. This.


Do I even need to say anything about how F’ING AMAZING THIS IS?!!!!! (And to all of you who bitch about how much I curse, now you probably hate me even more for doing it in all caps, but you must understand that I hold it all in until the kids are sleeping and then it just comes out like projectile vomit. I promise I’m attempting to do it less. And failing miserably). Anyways, BUY THIS FOR ME, I mean for the kids, NOW! (P.S. When you are done reading this post AND “liking” it, please google “kids leash funny.” OMGGGGGG, tears are coming out of my vajayjay)

6. Recordable storybooks. You know, the ones like this where Nana reads and records all the words so I don’t have to read them. If I hear my kid ask me to read his stupid Spiderman book, I’m gonna pull a double Van Gogh and chop off both of my ears. And send them to you unless you buy this for her for the holidays. Yes, this is exactly the kind of shit that lets me be the lazy mom I always aspired to be.

7. Fourteen Elf on a Shelfs (Elves on a Shelves???). Yes, fourteen. Why so many? One for every damn room in my house. He sees you when you’re sleeping, and eating, and pooping, and playing, and dressing, and taking nine hours to get into your F’ing car seat!

8. Toy cleaning sets. Seriously, they sell this shit. Mini brooms, mini dustpans, mini vacuums (why the hell does this word have two u’s in it?) mini cleaning carts. I shit you not. Go to Toys R Us and you will see them. And you know what? Cleaning product toys are damn good training. Why do you think I had kids in the first place?


9. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, socks, underwear, soap, shirts, pants, food, shoes, alarm clocks, nightlights, backpacks, beach towels, pajamas, sippy cups, and all the other crap I have to buy on like an hourly basis for my hooligan poop machines.

10. Money. Duh. And if you think I’m being an a-hole asking for money, you’re right. But I don’t give a damn. The way I see it, you were going to buy my crotchmuffin something anyway, so why not just skip the risk and fork over the dough you were going to spend? And maybe some of you grandmas are thinking, no I wasn’t going to buy anything, I was going to knit something. Well, A. Since when the F are they giving away free yarn, so just fork over the cash. And B. I don’t have time to write all the shit that comes to mind about knitted holiday gifts.


Baby Sideburns

P.S. If you’re a cool granny and you’re down with funny shit, don’t forget that my book makes a kickass holiday present!



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There are 19 comments for this article
  1. Life With Teens and Other Wild Things at 8:15 pm

    You’re gonna get haters on the leash thing. You know that, right? “Leashes are for dogs, not kids…”

    Well, I call bullshit. Thing1 set off an Amber Alert SIX TIMES IN 2 MONTHS when he was a shortie. Babygirl was just as bad. They’d screech, cry, and pitch major hissy fits if I made them ride in a cart, but the minute they were loose, ZOOM! One in each direction.

    Now, that’s bad enough, but…There are a couple things you can’t see through the screen. One, I’m gimpy. Busted up a leg when I was a kid, and it’s not straight. So yeah. I don’t do this thing they call “running” very well. I’m more the falling-on-my-face-if-I-try-to-jog type.
    Secondly, I was diagnosed with PTSD back in 1989. It’s not something that goes away. You learn to live with it, like someone who’s lost an arm lives with a prosthesis. One of my major triggers is the fear of losing my kids.

    So, you can imagine what a shaking, crying, nervous, twitchy, effed up, rage-filled wreck I was by Code A #6.

    Baby leashes are the BEST THINGS EVER. And I love them. The end.

    • myonica at 11:18 pm

      Our leash came in real handy at the Grand Canyon…:)

    • Cindy at 3:13 pm

      I wish they had those leashes when my daughter was a toddler. Due to her extreme anxiety, she hid in stores all the time. I can’t even remember how many Code Adams we had 🙁 I put her in carts if the store offered, but a lot of stores just don’t offer shopping carts.

    • mj at 6:11 pm

      Totaly agee !! I had one for my son because he hated the stroller. He was walking and I could keep him from running. I think 4 yr olds in a stroller are worse than a child with a leash.

  2. mel at 8:55 pm

    I totally WANT you to write all the s**t that come to your mind about knitted holiday gifts!! Please please please

  3. Amy Martin Rittle at 10:11 pm

    I wish I could post a pic of my daughter playing with my tampons, dunno how many times she f-ing pulled them out from under the sink when she was about 1-2 years oldish. LMAO you are too funny, really love reading your posts!

  4. Deb at 6:26 am

    I must be a cool granny, (I go by Gma) as I bought your book for both of my daughters for Christmas! Your posts crack me up.

  5. Cassi at 8:13 am

    Grammy and gramps hand over the cash to us and say…get them stuff…especially clothes! They are full of awesomeness! My daddy gets them remote cars (and extra batteries) every year which is nice because they have usually broken the one from the previous year…

  6. Pingback: Link Love: Christmas Edition | Prairie Heart Gypsy Soul
  7. StayCie at 7:51 am

    I have to say…you are badass! I have been reading your posts alll morning! The “Dear mom who didn’t vaccinate her kid” post IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT SITUATION! This post had me rolling! Thanks for complementing my cup of coffee this morning!

  8. mindy at 12:22 am

    I have a friend who’s mother tied a long rope around his ankle, and staked the other end into the ground or tied to a tree, she would always sit outside on her lawn, in a fold up chair and read, knit, talk with her girlfriends, etc while he sat and played….what a good little boy

    • Andrea at 11:45 pm

      When my non verbal 4 year old son was in pre-k he added an extra to his snack. A cheese slice. Pretty normal right? Problem was it was an overnight ultra thin always pad. They come in orange packaging that looks exactly like kraft cheese slices. Quite embarrassing to be asked to stay after to figure out why here brought it

  9. Glojo58 at 1:47 pm

    I wish there had been kid leashes when my older sister’s toddler daughter went shopping with me one day. I looked away for two minutes (I kid you not – never having had kids myself, and the fact that she was merrily playing on the floor with another annoying noise making plastic toy – which I had mistakenly bought her a few minutes before – I was oblivious as to how fast the little shits could move). ANYWAY, she was sitting there one minute and totally out of sight the next. I was in a panic. Now, this was before fears about pedophiles were everywhere, and also before stores locked the doors when there was a child missing, so all I could think of was “Oh, my GOD, I’ve lost Michelle! Janet (her Mom, my sister) is gonna kill me!” After two helpful clerks helped me scour the place, I suddenly heard giggling from under a clothes rack in the men’s department, HALFWAY ACROSS THE STORE. I looked, and there was Michelle, sitting under there looking cherubic – which was one of the two reasons I did not strangle her on the spot for scaring me so badly – the other being that there were people watching. My feeling about babies and little kids? It was at that moment, when I picked her up, held her close and covered her little smiling face with kisses, that I realized a fact about children — the reason God makes them so damned cute is so you don’t kill them when they do something that brings your heart up into your throat… As Karen Carpenter (who most readers of this column are too young to remember), “Bless the Beasts and the Children”….