In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete sentence, but I lost my train of thought. Anyways, in honor of this big-ass shopping day, here are a few thoughts about some of my favorite and least favorite stores to shop at.
Here are a few things I like about Target:
It’s where I found my most favoritest underwear ever (this has nothing to do with holiday shopping but it is quite possibly the most important thing in my life)
I go there multiple times a week so I know which cashiers are my BFFs and which ones to avoid like the plague. Yo, yo, shout out to my main man Arnie!!
I don’t need my receipt to return shit. I’m already juggling like 9,000 things, so finding a 3 inch wide slip of paper folded up in some pocket somewhere amongst a bunch of hardened snot rags and the sticky lollipop stick my kid shoved in there is about the last thing I want to do.
I never leave there spending less than $100, which would ordinarily piss me off but I always feel like I need all this stuff, especially the wine.
And oh yeah, they have a wine section.
Toys R Us and Babies R Us
When I go to these stores I can never find a salesperson to help me. I seriously wonder whether I can just grab as much shit as I want and run out because there is literally not a single employee in sight. And then when I finally find someone, two questions go through my head:
- Does this person need a lobotomy?
- Did this person already have a lobotomy?
I used to shop at this store. Once. Someone gave me a gift I didn’t need or want or something, so I returned it. Here’s the conversation I had with the saleslady.
SALESLADY: You have $36 to spend.
ME: Oh cool. I’ll go look around.
SALESLADY: Are you looking for something specific?
ME: Something nice for $36.
SALESLADY: You could buy this breath mint.
WTF? Sometimes I walk out of this store with like a million amazing things for my house. And then other times I feel like I’ve walked into a store that was specifically stocked with shit for white elephant parties. Like that shower curtain I saw that’s white except for a clear band right at the height of my muffin top? And if you’re tall, right at the height of your genitals. Nice. Or like this vase that looks like someone glued vaginas all over it.
Next year I’m throwing a HomeGoods white elephant party. The rules are you have to find the most hilarious thing you can find for under $15 at HomeGoods and we’re just gonna give our presents and laugh our asses off for hours. You think I am kidding, but I am not.
So there you go. I’m sure I could add like a thousand more stores to this list, but who the hell is reading my blog on Christmas Eve anyways? Well, besides you. Merry Christmas to all, well to all nice people who don’t write mean shit in my comments section, and to all a good night!
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