Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop machines are raising themselves?
The truth is I used to ask that too BEFORE I had kiddos. Now I’ve changed the way I ask it. These days I’ll say something like, “Do you do anything in addition to the ridiculously hard, super challenging, often disgusting job of taking care of your kids?”
But it got me thinking. This is bullshit. I mean I left a job where I got paid a lot of money for sitting at a desk surfing the web and shooting the shit and going on awesome boondoggle trips. And to think, I used to call that work! Now I work my ASS OFF schlepping two crotchmuffins from activity to activity, wiping their asses, listening to them whine, listening to their grating music, touching poop and boogers and getting down on all fours to scrape crusty old Cheerios off the floor. And for what? $0. Yup, ZERO. Nothing, nada, zilch. Helllllllllo, Mama needs a raise.
I mean, yes, emotionally I get rewarded handsomely when my kids look at me every day and say:
KIDS: Mommy, thank you so much for doing everything you do for us. We are so incredibly lucky to have you with us all day long waiting on us hand and foot. (Shaking head, NEVER HAPPENS)
So in the least, I’d like to know how much my salary should be. Yeah, I know no one’s ever gonna actually pay me for doing the hardest job on earth. But I’d just feel a little better knowing what I’m worth on the job market. So here goes. My calculation of what a Stay-At-Home-Mom’s salary should be.
First I took the salaries of all the jobs a mom does each and every day, and no I didn’t just add them all together.
Personal shopper- $27,000/yr
Sleep specialist- $62,000/yr
Executive assistant- $46,000/yr
Then I calculated (with a calculator because my brain is basically oatmeal at this point) the average of all of these salaries- $49,286 a year. Hmmm, wait a sec, that seems too low. How can I manipulate this? I forgot! Who the hell works 40 hours a week as a mom? NO ONE. Nope, as a mom you never get a break. I mean yeah, I guess technically you get a break when you sleep at night, but not really because really some kid’s hacking up a lung or having a midnight poop session or pitter-pattering their adorable little feet down the hallway into your room so they can stare at you while you’re sleeping until you wake up and shit a brick because someone’s nose is like two inches from your face when you open your eyes. So nope, no mom works just 40 hours a week.
So let’s multiply this average salary by 3 because really a mom works at least 120 hours a week. AT LEAST. I mean if you think about it I’m leaving off 48 hours still for the weekend which is kind of bullshit because we don’t even get time off from our “job” on the weekends. Sure hubby gives me breaks, but we’re talking like a few hours to go buy toilet paper and wax so my bikini line so it doesn’t turn into hair shorts and shit like that.
So here it is. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Drum roll please. Buh duh buh duh buh duh buh duh buh duh buh duh buh duh. How much should a Stay-At-Home-Mom be making?
$147,857 a year
Oh, and in case you’re like, yo biatch, WTF, why are you ignoring all of the awesome moms who work outside of the house AND take care of their rugrats when they come home? Amen to that!! You working moms F’ing rock. So if you have a full-time job outside of the house, here’s what you should be making IN ADDITION TO the paycheck you make from work.
$98, 571 a year at home PLUS the amount of your paycheck
So there you go. I know Mr. Jerkwad Nit Picky is probably going to read this and say it’s bullshit because really I’m a housekeeper like twice as much as I am a tutor, but I was too lazy to do the more complicated math. Oh, wait, did I say too lazy? I meant I was too busy working my 120+ hour job wiping poopie tushes and trying to scrub pink Pedialyte vomit out of the fibers of the carpet. And anyways, who gives an F if it’s like 200% perfect or not because really the point is that moms deserve bigger salaries.
All in favor of moms going on strike until we get it, say aye! I vote we all go to the Caribbean and wait for this to be resolved. I mean isn’t there some law that says everyone has to get vacation time anyways? Can you imagine how awesome that would be?
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