The Cockini–because apparently the fig leaf was too much coverage

Agggghhhh, my eyes my eyes! I think I’m blind! I just saw a picture of an old man wearing this, uhhh, dare I say bathing suit, and now I close my eyes and I still see the image of his wrinkly naked body on the back of my eyelids. I’m scarred for life. Seriously, the person who sent me this picture owes me money for therapy.

Lucky for you, the all-powerful Google says I can’t post the old man picture, so here’s the product just lying there all limp. Yup, a guy stretches it over his package and wears it to the beach so he’s covered up and not a total exhibitionist. Even though he kind of is. Well, not kind of. He is. Can you imagine seeing this on the beach? Ewwwww. Or worse if it were really crowded and he brushed up against you in it? Blaggggghhhhh! I seriously just hurled in my mouth a little. Anyways, I don’t even know where to begin with this product, but here goes:

1. Hey, honey, which bathing suit should I wear to the pool party? The one with the Hawaiian flowers or the one that’s the shape of my peeper?

2. What is the least attractive thing a man can wear? A condom. Yeah, let’s make a bathing suit that looks like a condom!

3. WTF do you call this thing? A peeper cover? A wiener suit? A cockini? I’d really like to know because for the life of me I can’t find them on Amazon or anywhere else. And something tells me I’m gonna want one (or TWO!!!) come Father’s Day.

4. At first I’m looking at this and thinking the fluorescent green one seems like the worst color choice, and then I’m thinking no, yellow seems really bad for some reason. And then I’m surprised that it comes in not ONE but TWO shades of pink?! Well, they say only men who are truly comfortable with their manliness wear pink, but I say men who are truly comfortable with their manliness wear pink cockinis. 

5. And here’s another thought about color. If a black man wears the black one or a white man wears the peach one, it totally gets camouflaged. Wait, is that guy naked? Holy shit! Oh no wait, he’s wearing a peeper cover. For a minute I was worried there.

6. I assume they only come in L and XL because no man with a small peeper is wearing this, right? Or can’t you just picture the sale rack in the store and the XS section is all full of cockinis that no one bought?

7. Whoa whoa whoa, didn’t EVERYONE see the Seinfeld episode about shrinkage? I mean, seriously? Is this what you want to be wearing in the water? Or rather, this is what you want to be wearing when you come out of the cold water? I guess whatever floats your boat. Or shrinks your dink.

8. So technically speaking do you call the bulbous part the ball-sack or do you call it the ball-sack sack? Just curious.

9. Let’s just say that if Channing Tatum won’t look good in it, no one will.

10. Okay, let me leave you with this parting image. Just picture someone trying to take it off when it’s wet. Sorry. Bring on the comments.