1. Sleep now. Like seriously, think of yourself as a bear and this is your only chance to hibernate because as soon as little Miss Poopie Pants arrives, you might not get 8 straight hours of sleep in like, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe forever. 2. Breastfeeding sucks. No pun intended. Eventually it’s pretty amazing…
OMG, so the other day someone sent me this lady’s blog about the time she made her placenta into sushi and ate it. No, that entire sentence is not a typo. You can swallow your throw up now. Anyways, last night I was chatting with my friend who’s VERY preggers and about to pop and we were…
Dear kid who I just saw being bullied outside Noodles and Company, I heard what those a-hole kids said to you and I just wanted to tell you something. Yeah, I know I’m just some random grownup who really doesn’t know WTF you go through every day, so maybe you don’t even want to listen to…
ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?! ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Noooo, tell me. ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint. ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go. ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!! ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go! ZOEY: Mommm,…
My 3.5 year-old still naps. Yup, I said that. Be jealous. Judge me if you want. But man do I get a lot of shit done while he’s sleeping and there is no way I’m letting him drop his nap yet. Yeah, some days he’s a total douchenugget and keeps singing to himself and coming out…
Dear brand new mom, Let me start by saying this. You are not: Crazy Alone Doing a bad job Remember when you were scared about giving birth and you told yourself it’s okay, millions of women have done it before me? Well, millions of women have felt exactly the way you feel right now. No,…
Dear other mom who I just invited over for a playdate, I’m super excited to have you over so we can try to ignore our children and actually have a conversation for once, but I wanted to let you know a few things first: 1. Don’t be appalled if my house is a mess when you get here.…
Okay, I know when it comes to punishing our kids we’re supposed to give them time-outs or send them to their rooms or make them go to bed without supper and shit like that. But what I’ve learned in my house is that these punishments don’t work anymore. I don’t know if they’re just overused and worn out or…
Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop…
Yayyyyyy, Girl Scout cookies are in!!!! (12pm) Dear Mrs. So-and-So,