Dear other mom who I just invited over for a playdate, I’m super excited to have you over so we can try to ignore our children and actually have a conversation for once, but I wanted to let you know a few things first: 1. Don’t be appalled if my house is a mess when you get here.…
Okay, I know when it comes to punishing our kids we’re supposed to give them time-outs or send them to their rooms or make them go to bed without supper and shit like that. But what I’ve learned in my house is that these punishments don’t work anymore. I don’t know if they’re just overused and worn out or…
Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop…
Yayyyyyy, Girl Scout cookies are in!!!! (12pm) Dear Mrs. So-and-So,
Awww shit, there it is, the sound of Holden’s feet getting out of bed and coming down the hallway. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that the pitter-patter of little feet is supposed to be all adorable and shit, but I’ll tell you when it’s NOT adorable. When it’s three in the mother F’ing morning!!! AGGGHHHH,…
WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?
Awwww shit, my kiddo just got invited to Cinderella’s house for a play date but I have no F’ing idea who Cinderella’s parents are or what goes on in their house. I mean yeah, they live around the corner so it seems safe enough but so does the totally creepy lady who vacuums her lawn…
Yayyyy, school pictures are in!!! SCHOOL PICTURES ARE IN!!! I mean uhhhh, yeah, I’m cool. I’ll just calmly walk to my car and open them in the front seat where no one can see my reaction. I don’t know WHAT it is about school pictures that makes me so excited. I take like 9,000 better pictures…
Okay, so every morning when we wake up and get ready, I pretty much always mutter WTF when Zoey picks out her outfit. Like here are a few that stand out in my mind. When I drop her off at school I see girls everywhere wearing these super cute matchy-matchy outfits and here I am wishing I brought…
(a phone call I just had this afternoon) NURSE: Hi, is this Mrs. Alpert? ME: It is. NURSE: You called to see if your kids are up-to-date with their MMR vaccines? ME: Yes. NURSE: It looks like Holden had his first one, but he can’t get the second one until he’s four. ME: Alright, that’s…