WHAT??!!!!!! A dating website for toddlers?!!
Dear Mommy,
HAVING FAT THIGHS ACTUALLY MAKES OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BETTER AND THAT’S WHY I’M AWESOME
ME: I want another cookie. WILLPOWER: You said you’d only have one. ME: But I realllllly want one. WILLPOWER: You’ll feel better if you don’t. ME: I know, I know. (pause) ME: I don’t feel better. WILLPOWER: Stop thinking about it. ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll do that.
AND THEN THERE WAS THAT TIME MY FAMILY ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER (you could WIN a TomTom GO 500!!)
So you know how we went to Boston a few weeks ago? Well, you are NOT going to believe how insane our ride back to the airport was. Seriously, it’s a miracle we made it back alive. Wait, lemme back up a sec. So whenever we plan a trip, my husband and I stress out…
TomTom #GetHomeFaster Sweepstakes Official Rules
* TomTom “Get Home Faster” SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES *NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW ELIGIBILITY: The TomTom Get Home Faster Sweepstakes (“Sweepstakes”) is open only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States and…
THE TIME I DIDN’T PUSH MY KID TOO HARD AND JUST LET HER SUCCEED WITHOUT ME
Okay, so the other day I woke Zoey up and here’s the first thing she said. “Mom, can I make breakfast?” Part of me wanted to be like, “And make my kitchen look like Hiroshima? F**K no.” But somewhere inside my head a little voice was saying, “Let her try.” Now I don’t know about your little…
I PAINTED MY SON’S FINGERNAILS. SO WHAT?
So I want to say something. On Friday I posted a picture of my kiddo on Facebook getting his nails painted. No, that is not a typo. HIS nails. And it got over 800 comments within a few hours, mostly from people shouting out tons of awesome support. So thank you.
MAYBE YOU AREN’T CUT OUT TO BE A MOMMY
So yesterday Holden forced me to watch Paw Patrol with him, and after watching it for about .2 seconds I did what I always do. I picked up my phone to check my emails. Pleeeeease let there be just one new email so I have something to read while I’m trapped on this couch watching…
Zoey’s totally awesome kickass Mad Science birthday party!!
ME: Zoey, what kind of birthday party do you want this year? Please say an undernighter for a few friends. Please say an undernighter for a few friends. ZOEY: I want a birthday party that no one else has had. ME: Ummm, okayyyyy, like maybe an undernighter for just a few of your closest friends?…
Ten things I really F’ing want for Mother’s Day
1. I don’t want to wipe a single tush all day. I think all kids should have to hold in their poop in on Mother’s Day. Now that would make it special. 2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rug rats.…
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M DOING IT ALL WRONG (You could win a $250 Visa gift card from Minute Maid!!!)
I suck. Yup, I am 200% sure that I am doing this all wrong and that my kids are going to grow up to be drug dealing hookers or even worse, that they’re going to hate me. Like yesterday for example. Here’s allllllll the crap I did wrong yesterday: 1. I forgot to tell Zoey…