ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?! ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Noooo, tell me. ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint. ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go. ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!! ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go! ZOEY: Mommm,…
My 3.5 year-old still naps. Yup, I said that. Be jealous. Judge me if you want. But man do I get a lot of shit done while he’s sleeping and there is no way I’m letting him drop his nap yet. Yeah, some days he’s a total douchenugget and keeps singing to himself and coming out…
Dear brand new mom, Let me start by saying this. You are not: Crazy Alone Doing a bad job Remember when you were scared about giving birth and you told yourself it’s okay, millions of women have done it before me? Well, millions of women have felt exactly the way you feel right now. No,…
Dear other mom who I just invited over for a playdate, I’m super excited to have you over so we can try to ignore our children and actually have a conversation for once, but I wanted to let you know a few things first: 1. Don’t be appalled if my house is a mess when you get here.…
Okay, I know when it comes to punishing our kids we’re supposed to give them time-outs or send them to their rooms or make them go to bed without supper and shit like that. But what I’ve learned in my house is that these punishments don’t work anymore. I don’t know if they’re just overused and worn out or…
Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop…
Yayyyyyy, Girl Scout cookies are in!!!! (12pm) Dear Mrs. So-and-So,
Awww shit, there it is, the sound of Holden’s feet getting out of bed and coming down the hallway. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that the pitter-patter of little feet is supposed to be all adorable and shit, but I’ll tell you when it’s NOT adorable. When it’s three in the mother F’ing morning!!! AGGGHHHH,…
WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?
Awwww shit, my kiddo just got invited to Cinderella’s house for a play date but I have no F’ing idea who Cinderella’s parents are or what goes on in their house. I mean yeah, they live around the corner so it seems safe enough but so does the totally creepy lady who vacuums her lawn…