Awww shit, there it is, the sound of Holden’s feet getting out of bed and coming down the hallway. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that the pitter-patter of little feet is supposed to be all adorable and shit, but I’ll tell you when it’s NOT adorable. When it’s three in the mother F’ing morning!!! AGGGHHHH,…
WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?
Awwww shit, my kiddo just got invited to Cinderella’s house for a play date but I have no F’ing idea who Cinderella’s parents are or what goes on in their house. I mean yeah, they live around the corner so it seems safe enough but so does the totally creepy lady who vacuums her lawn…
Yayyyy, school pictures are in!!! SCHOOL PICTURES ARE IN!!! I mean uhhhh, yeah, I’m cool. I’ll just calmly walk to my car and open them in the front seat where no one can see my reaction. I don’t know WHAT it is about school pictures that makes me so excited. I take like 9,000 better pictures…
Okay, so every morning when we wake up and get ready, I pretty much always mutter WTF when Zoey picks out her outfit. Like here are a few that stand out in my mind. When I drop her off at school I see girls everywhere wearing these super cute matchy-matchy outfits and here I am wishing I brought…
(a phone call I just had this afternoon) NURSE: Hi, is this Mrs. Alpert? ME: It is. NURSE: You called to see if your kids are up-to-date with their MMR vaccines? ME: Yes. NURSE: It looks like Holden had his first one, but he can’t get the second one until he’s four. ME: Alright, that’s…
Yeah, I’m going there. I mean when I put up a picture of my kid in his car seat wearing a puffy coat, I had NOOOOOOO idea the kind of ruckus that would explode. But I’m writing this knowing full well that vaccination shit is a TOUCHY subject and that some people might get their…
Okay, so here’s the thing. Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies. Now if you follow my Facebook page, you might know who’s really selling them. Yours F’ing truly. Here’s the post if you didn’t see it on Facebook. You can skip to the next part if you already read it. Woo-hooo, Zoey is selling Girl…
Here is a list of alllllll the shit I had to pack for the rugrats this morning: Zoey’s backpack Zoey’s lunch Zoey’s snack Zoey’s second snack Zoey’s snow pants Extra pair of shoes for her Zoey’s mittens Zoey’s hat Zoey’s folder
ZOEY: Is tomorrow the weekend? ME: Nope, but there’s no school because it’s a holiday. ZOEY: Yay! ME: Do you remember what holiday it is? ZOEY: Yes. It’s that king’s day. ME: He’s not really a king. His last name is King. ZOEY: Right Arthur Lunar King. ME: Martin Luther King.