(a phone call I just had this afternoon) NURSE: Hi, is this Mrs. Alpert? ME: It is. NURSE: You called to see if your kids are up-to-date with their MMR vaccines? ME: Yes. NURSE: It looks like Holden had his first one, but he can’t get the second one until he’s four. ME: Alright, that’s…
Yeah, I’m going there. I mean when I put up a picture of my kid in his car seat wearing a puffy coat, I had NOOOOOOO idea the kind of ruckus that would explode. But I’m writing this knowing full well that vaccination shit is a TOUCHY subject and that some people might get their…
Okay, so here’s the thing. Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies. Now if you follow my Facebook page, you might know who’s really selling them. Yours F’ing truly. Here’s the post if you didn’t see it on Facebook. You can skip to the next part if you already read it. Woo-hooo, Zoey is selling Girl…
Here is a list of alllllll the shit I had to pack for the rugrats this morning: Zoey’s backpack Zoey’s lunch Zoey’s snack Zoey’s second snack Zoey’s snow pants Extra pair of shoes for her Zoey’s mittens Zoey’s hat Zoey’s folder
ZOEY: Is tomorrow the weekend? ME: Nope, but there’s no school because it’s a holiday. ZOEY: Yay! ME: Do you remember what holiday it is? ZOEY: Yes. It’s that king’s day. ME: He’s not really a king. His last name is King. ZOEY: Right Arthur Lunar King. ME: Martin Luther King.
Heyyyy, here’s something really hilarious to do that will make you laugh but will NOT make your husband laugh at all. HUBBY: (PROUD) Look, the hole in my underwear’s getting bigger! ME: I think it’s time to throw them out. HUBBY: No way. ME: You’re about to start popping out of that hole. HUBBY: I…
Okay, so the other day I experienced something awesome. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you’re used to me spouting off alllllll the bad shit that happens in our house on a daily basis, but last week Zoey and I had a GMO (girls morning out) and holy crap did some amazing stuff happen. I mean most Sunday mornings…
Awwww shit, I kinda F’ed up this morning. So a buncha nights ago Zoey made this picture of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell and then she put it on her nightstand. I had no idea she actually made them FOR Peter and Tink (no, I’m not on a first name basis with them, I’m just too…
Okay, so I feel like whenever we go on vacation, there’s always like that one magical moment (of course once you have kids, it’s sandwiched between 10,000 shitty moments). Like when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, there was this time our sailboat was surrounded by hundreds of spinner dolphins leaping out of…
In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete…